Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 16, 2004, at 12:28:41
In reply to Freeform Thoughts, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 15, 2004, at 9:29:35
This is not stopping. I do not feel better. My every waking moment is “peaks and valleys”. I don’t feel great one day and feel miserable the next; I feel great one minute and feel miserable the next. I am afraid. No one can make this all better for me, and I can’t do this on my own anymore. I still want to be the man I used to be and the man I know I am supposed to be, but I don’t know how that is going to happen. I woke up and faced the sunshine this morning but it meant nothing to me at all. I went back to bed. My girlfriend reminded me I had to go to work. She doesn’t know what is going on, I haven’t told her. I said I was just really tired. She got me a cup of coffee while I was still in bed. That gesture deserved to be rewarded. I got up and came to work. She still doesn’t know.
I feel like nothing matters. I feel like nothing will be enough, that I’m not going to pull up. Then I remember I have felt great at times, and that my condition is intermittent and cyclic. Then I feel guilty for being such a whining ******* when really, I don’t have it so bad. Many of my bills are paid. I have people who truly love and care about me. I have a good job with great co-workers and a solid future. I have two of the most wonderful children in the entire world. I’m being irrational and weak. I goad myself into anger; I make myself furious that there is a part of me that is so weak. I pick on myself, taunt myself, and I feel the rage swell inside me. Now I’m angry that I’m a whiner. I look for anchors. I look for reasons. I’m better than this, and I’m better than this condition. I’m a good man, and I deserve to feel good about my life and myself.
So now I am angry. I can find some functionality there, but I know it’s a fleeting moment, and I also know that I do not want to be angry for the rest of my life. I was angry all the time back in 2001 before I had my meltdown. It was a crutch, it was not true strength. I hid my pain behind anger. My anger consumed my energy, and when my final meltdown came, I had nothing left to stop it.
So what to do? I have played “musical meds” so many times; I am starting to wonder if anything is going to work. Lexapro is turning out like all the others… I had a hellish break-in, then I had “hope”, then I had the “honeymoon” where it seemed to be working, and then the crash. I never seem to make it past the “crash” stage with a med. I get to this point, then there’s a scramble, and then things seem to level out for a while, sometimes months. Sometimes I’m “cured”, it wasn’t really BP II, it was just an untenable situation, or it was extreme stress. Then the slide starts to happen, and knowing what it signifies I seek assistance again, hoping this time we can catch it before it becomes what it is now and has been so many other times. Appointments are made, many hours are spent talking, and the game of “musical meds” begins anew. Sometimes the descent slows, even stops for a while. Sometimes I shoot like a rocket in hyperspace. Sometimes I drop like a rock. It’s never the same journey, but the destination always seems to be the same. And over the last year, I’ve been there more times than I care to remember.
But I do remember. In 8 months I have faced that darkness 3 times, and I am terrified that this is going to be #4. I feel like I’m on a diminishing downward spiral, each revolution around the spiral is a cycle. Each time the cycle is shorter, and the duration between cycles is shorter, but the direction that remains, even during high manic episodes, is down. The final point of where this is going is not something I want to think about.
I want this to stop. I want to feel better again. I want to stop being afraid. I want to stop feeling incapable to change my life. I want to stop sliding backwards faster than I am moving forward. I want to sleep. I want to eat again. I want to stop shaking. I want to stop talking in a soft monotone. I want to be happy. I want to work hard to be happy. I want this to stop. I want to hide away. I want to stop wanting to hide away. I want a break, a vacation. No work, no job, no children, no divorce, no illness, no friends, no family, no anything. I want the closest thing to “nothing” one can possibly achieve and still be part of this world. I want to hide there. But for how long, I do not know.
I cannot remember anything important anymore. Appointments, call backs, even taking notes doesn't help, I forget to look at my notes. I smoke too much and I have nicotine headaches constantly. I’m either withdrawing from the nicotine when I cannot have a cigarette, or I’m head rushing when I do smoke one. I cannot concentrate on anything. Any movement distracts me, any sound, any anything. I can’t do my bills because I cannot sit and focus for the 30 minutes it takes me to do them. I don’t want to look at them. I do not want to read another “final disconnect” notice. I do not want to answer the phone. I work in telecommunications as a CSR and I do not want to answer the phone. I do not want to do a service order. I know I will make a mistake and then have a returned order on my monthly stats. I would sooner do nothing than even try anymore.
I was right about today when I said yesterday that tomorrow would be worse. Tomorrow is worse. A self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps? I didn’t call my T or pdoc. Quite frankly, I don’t want to. But I know that I will, no later than Friday perhaps. I already have an appt with my pdoc for Tuesday at 8am. That might be good enough. I’m supposed to be reporting in on the increase in my Lexapro and assessing with him if the increase was successful or not. At this point, I’d say “not”. So he’s going to drop me back to 10mg and prescribe some kind of mood stabilizer. Musical meds all over again.
There’s really no point in writing all this except to vent off, possibly give Dr. Bob something to add to his collection, and … and what? Why am I writing this? Why am I posting this? There has to be a point of some kind, unless it’s an exercise in unnecessary and useless actions.
I cannot answer my own question, yet I feel compelled to submit this.
New prediction- tomorrow will be the same as today, but not worse. There’s an effort on my part to be positive. I still want to win. I just don’t see how anymore.
I am done, but at least I am not finished. There’s enough left of me to at least know that.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:356864
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/357263.html