Posted by ghost on June 15, 2004, at 0:30:46
i "accidentally" linked a post here to my exgf, now i'm paranoid she'll start reading this forum and start learning my deep dark secrets i couldn't tell her while we were together (or the ones that have surfaced since i havent been). i liked knowing no one knew i was here. she never really understands anyway. if i ever feel comfortable telling her something she always says something to the effect of "is it that bad?" or "do you really feel that bad?"
is almost swallowing a bottle of xanax "that bad," or do i actually have to do it to prove it to you?
thankfully, i don't have to prove anything to anyone. but i wish it didn't make me feel badly enough to cry.
i feel like everyone around me lately is in some sort of happy relationship. i recently ended a (not happy) relationship. it was all me. pushing him away for no real reason other than being depressed. and not wanting to be touched.
when will i find someone? when will i find someone who doesn't mind a bipolar schitzo girl with borderline behaviors and a penchant for dressing like a complete freak, even when approaching her 30s? when will i find someone who knows when to push me to talk and when it's best to let me have my time alone? when will i find someone who appreciates not just who i am but what i am?
what the hell is wrong with me that i keep screwing up everything i touch? today i killed a houseplant. killed it. violently. i was moving one of the many horrendous boxes piling up around here with two plants on it, and Grace (this lovely spiky-leaved plant my mother bought me from kmart and we rescued together) flipped over upside down and all three of her beautiful stalks of spiky leaves broke right off. i murdered a living thing today. i'm a horrible person.
i can't kill anything. it bothers me that vegetables die when i eat. (and i certainly can't eat fleshy creatures). it's kind of odd, really-- i can't bear the thought of taking anything's life, but should someone die, i'm not sad (for the most part). i'm jealous. jealous they escaped this planet while i'm still stuck here. turning everything i touch to crap.
i'm cycling like a son of a gun... the first shrink diagnosed me as whtaever bipolar is the 'milder" form (he called it, and i never remember 1 from 2, it's like left from right half the time with me, i can't be bothered with it, it's "over there"). anyhow. whatever. i didn't know the difference. i didn't care. i was just happy to have a word for what i felt: "bipolar." it was like the name of the weight that had been lifted from my chest. but i was only to discover that there were more words to follow.it's okay, though. i don't mind. i kind of like being a borderline bipolar schitzo... i think it makes me a brilliant scientist. (but a lousy girlfriend.)
how can you hate yourself and love yourself alternately from one extreme to the other over and over again? i feel like the waves of the ocean--- here in a flash and gone without a trace. hate then love, hate then love... hate then love. always ending with hate, though.
i wish i knew how to have friends without developing crushes on them. on the other hand, i wish just once someone would have a crush on me. a nice normal crush. without complications that always follow me, like husbands and wives, jealousy and hurt. even a pretend crush. someone to send me stupid sappy emails. i'll settle for anything. but then again, i'd be extra hurt to know it was all out of pity. a pity crush.
i know this man who is bipolar. he's brilliant. and funny... so funny.. he makes everyone around him feel good. he's got this incredible, beautiful, understanding wife. she knows how to handle his moods, she knows when theyre coming, or how to ward them off sometimes. she's incredible. why aren't more people incredible? why can't i find one?
are some people destined to be alone? is that me? maybe because i'm a houseplant killer, i can't be trusted with human life. but i used to be an EMT. that doesn't make sense. or maybe it does. my last shift worked, i had my first code, and the woman didn't make it. i swear i saw a rhythym on the heart monitor for just a second. maybe i imagined it. but my partner shocked her again... and it was gone. i never told anyone this before. but maybe i killed someone that day.
*what have i become, my sweetest friend? everyone i know goes away in the end.*
poster:ghost
thread:356774
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040611/msgs/356774.html