Posted by spoc on June 10, 2004, at 12:00:10
In reply to Re: Hey Scott (in VT) » spoc, posted by Scott in Vermont on June 10, 2004, at 10:17:04
> I feel that I have always been polyamorous (meaning I am capable of feeling real love for more than one individual) and while I have no problem committing to one person when that relationship is based on mutual trust and respect, I also have no problem committing to more than one person in mutual trust and respect.
>
> Most people will read that and instantly label me as a creep...<<<<< Oh no, I wasn't looking at it that way at all. Everything you just said does make perfect sense and is all very well and good when the cards are indeed all on the table about it. I was truly just marveling as I always do that some people can be that unencumbered by raw human impulses. See, here I am acknowledging that the tendency to want someone all to oneself (ONLY when mutual, I must stress in my case -- I have and would NEVER press or try to change someone who didn't feel exactly the same about it) is *also* a "raw human impulse," not just the impulse to want/be open to several (now or at some point).
I do see the absolute logic in everything you've said and please know that I'm not questioning it. I think it just probably most often has to come from feeling one way or the other in one's gut, not from intellectually processing it. Because in my gut, no matter how much more sensible, I couldn't *feel* it or be comfortable. Same way as someone who favors it in their gut can't be made to *FEEL* otherwise.
Well, I'm sure there are exceptions to both. But in most cases that's probably a common place for relationships to fall apart -- mixing people who feel differently on this who are both hoping the other will change, or not mind following through with some consent given out of exasperation. "It's all good" (much as I hate cliches), people just need to be totally up front from day one. And I do admit that my longest relationship has been ten years, and we didn't even live together in the reality-and-responsibility grind for most of that time. So indeed I can't speak for what may have seemed to make sense to add in had things been different or had we still been together way down the road.
I didn't make any connection between your beliefs and whatever happened with your marriage at all. I had just wondered based on nothing whether there was any component of the (sometimes temporary) "NEVER AGAIN!!!!!" reaction going on, which is often the result only of a bad experience and not indicative of one's actual standing on monogamy vs. polyamorousness. But yes, it is of course also perfectly likely and valid that those are and were the true preferences all along.
I see the existence you describe as probably indeed less stressful, as long as all parties truly are on the same page and not faking it or just going along with it. If I could push a button and be that way, I probably would! There are indeed countless pitfalls to the other modes.
Fortunately, myself I never put the cart before the horse. While I have had mostly very positive and fulfulling relationships, with no issues of one wanting more than the other, when there is currently no one I care for I couldn't be more content on my own. To a very unusual extent -- for years even. For quite awhile now, I haven't been open to dating, much less commitment, due to feeling I need to clean up my own back yard in several ways first (yet so far, not even working on it!). But in my gut, preferring going it totally alone to passing the time with someone I haven't bonded with. (None of which reflects on anything we're discussing here, btw.)
Thanks for your response, it was very interesting! :- )
Note to self: I say "indeed" too much. Must expand vocabulary.
poster:spoc
thread:355109
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040602/msgs/355416.html