Posted by Scott in Vermont on June 10, 2004, at 10:17:04
In reply to Re: Hey Scott (in VT) » Scott in Vermont, posted by spoc on June 10, 2004, at 6:13:03
I feel that I have always been polyamorous (meaning I am capable of feeling real love for more than one individual) and while I have no problem committing to one person when that relationship is based on mutual trust and respect, I also have no problem committing to more than one person in mutual trust and respect.Most people will read that and instantly label me as a creep. I assure you, this is not me seeking a license to be sexually adventurous. I could do (and have done) that covertly. It is ultimately unfulfilling, and while it satisfies the animal, it does nothing to qualify the man. More than anything else, I seek emotional fulfillment, and I seek to fill my needs of being needed and being wanted.
Many people scorn or scoff at the idea of polyamorous relationships. However, I submit that if most people took a moment and were introspective of their own history, they will see that they have experienced serial polygamy (one after another after another). They may find that while they feel that they truly loved each one of those people, and possibly still do, for one reason or another they are now with someone else. Same principle, different circumstance.
In case you are wondering, no, my marriage did not fall apart because of my beliefs. I'm not the kind of person who coerces or manipulates. If it's not absolutely genuine, it's bound to be poisonous and doomed to fail before it even starts.
There is a book I highly recommend to anyone who has questions about this subject. It is titled "Open Marriage- A New Lifestyle For Couples" by Nena and George O'Neill, written in 1972. I read it a long time ago, re-read it on occasion, and 32 years after it's original publication, the book is still as pertinent (if not more so) as ever. It debunks the theory that the concept of "open marriage" is a loose and uncommitted sexual adventure. If anything, it's the original "Men are from Mars..." and it presents many functional and rational ideas for approaching ANY relationship.
My ability to share and be shared is 100% based in trust and mutual desire. I would not pursue this or be part of a relationship like this unless everyone involved agreed on the dynamics of that relationship. And I will openly admit to my own jealously issues, but those arise only when I am not receiving something from the relationship that I need. I need security, safety, and the knowledge that I am wanted and needed. Relationships like this create community and family in a society where individualism and lack of community seems to be the order of the day.
The idea of an extended community is not a new one, but with the hindsight of history and the ability to review other attempts, we can avoid pitfalls that other people have experienced. An extended community, be it in a loving relationship or "business" relationship makes sound economical sense nowadays. Even with two incomes, most people find that they live to work, not work to live. Get up, go to work, work work work, go home, try to be a homemaker and/or parent, pay the bills, blah blah blah... when does anyone get a break? Almost never.
But then you take a successful community (and I base this on one that I know of personally here in Vermont). Multiple incomes contributing to one goal. Multiple persons contributing time and effort to a household. Less individual effort from reach person, incredible returns for everyone overall. It does work, even today. Especially today, rather. And it worked a long time ago when extended families lived together, or small communities banded together and shared in all aspects of taking care of each other. It is something we have all but lost in "modern times", and there is such a stigma attached to it, most people see it as "evil and immoral" without understanding the aspects of it.
And of course, it's even more difficult to discuss rationally when there is a recent and highly sensational news story about some weirdo who had 17 wives and 58 kids and was dealing in child porn on the Internet. That kind of press is eaten up, and rather look at the individual and his actions, it's lumped into a easily-digested explanation of "polygamy" and everyone shakes their head knowingly because polygamy is bad (much like "rock music" is bad because it makes kids kill their classmates). It is an uphill battle, and not one I usually engage in.
Right now, the relationship I am in is not ready for anything except exclusivity and monogamy, and not only am I totally fine with that, I'm enjoying it a lot. But we have both discussed the idea of sex outside the relationship and/or bringing others into the relationship (preferably a married couple with similar beliefs). And while we both express that interest, we also acknowledge that it is a "long time from now". Perhaps over the winter months when everyone is stuffed away in their homes for 6 months. But we both agree that much discussion is necessary before moving forward.
I don't know if I clarified anything or not, but I hope that was a passable overview of my position on this issue. I'd be happy to discuss it more in email if you wish.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:355109
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040602/msgs/355384.html