Posted by Rainee on May 31, 2004, at 10:15:21
I'm alone. feel very alone. not like anyone else. I compare myself to everyone else.
I feel like a big fat 42 year old failure. No ambition. always afraid. I envy people that just get up everyday and live and laugh and cry when they need to the it's over and they go on living.
I seem be in this constant vigilant state. I never finished high school my mother was dying from cancer and I completely lost it and was expelled in my senior year for not attenting. she died. Father was already dead. 18 and out in the world what messes I maid. I feel like such a child still that wants to be taken care of .
I'm capabale of taking care of me but I rebel at it. why why why why!!!!!! I have three kids a husband and enough already. I start back to therapy tomorrow . new therapist so many just don't get it. Or I don't let on ..lol
It's time to grow up little girl . ahh but I want to smash things and yell and kick my feet and just cry. both my parents died in their 40's .what is my fate? am I trying to make it so?
I think how nice it would be to get a terminal disease that gives me just a short time so I can just give up.
oh come on there has to be an answer to this madness! I coujld say so much but I would confuse the hell outta ya I'm sure.. One thing I have to say.... I was with my husband since I was 16 he ws there while my mother was dying I transfered my dependance on him. I never did the healthy leaving the nest thing. I have an extreme fear if I move on and grow I won't need him anymore and he has no clue about this. so I stay stuck . God that was hard to say
thanks for your time..Rainee
poster:Rainee
thread:352352
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/352352.html