Posted by Angela2 on May 30, 2004, at 20:16:53
I am feeling down. I have no stable future because of social anxiety. I don't know if I'm going to stay in school or if I am going to get a job. I'm tired of being the way I am. I want to get out of my own private hell and do something that means something to me. I want to be driven by something other than my social anxiety problem. But on the other hand, this is the one true thing about me. I have begun to define myslef by my social anxiety and its not so bad. I have taken up private artistic activities, and have begun searching for jobs that require minimal social interaction like filing and and clerical positions.
The reason I have brought this up and am feeling down is because I went to a Memorial Day party at my aunt's house and all my family and family friends were there and they of course asked about me and my brothers. So I told them what I could, that I am working temporarily with my mom right now and am taking summer classes. That I will be a senior in the fall. All the while thinking in the back of my mind the conversations I've had with my therapist and mom about quitting school.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do in the fall right now. I could go back to school because thats what everyone is doing and I only have one year left and it would make me more marketable. Or I could get a job and start taking art classes.
Either way, I will continue to wrestle with my social anxiety. It will never go away no matter what choice I pick. Sometimes its hard for me to realize that. I tend to think "I want to run away" I forget that I can't run away from my problems.
Then there's my two brothers. Compared to them, I feel like I am the least stable one in the family. My brother is completely driven by his passion of film and is able to have long conversations about his opinions and goals about it. He is going to college for film in the fall. And my other brother is completely supporting himself, being completely responsible, in the army. Sometimes I wish I was my brother driven by film. Because I really admire that he is able to talk to people the way he does, and he has a stable outlook on his life, he doesn't have to look into the future only to see things he wants to run from.
Well there's my mess of somewhat organized thoughts...Thanks for listening.
Angela
poster:Angela2
thread:352224
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040525/msgs/352224.html