Posted by Camille Dumont on March 26, 2004, at 9:35:14
So I've always been shy, withdrawn ... I run away from conflic ... when people scream at each other, I feel like hiding in a closet ... like hurting myself even when people are not angry at me.
Supposedly its something with avoidant PD ... but anyway ... I've always had violent thoughts and urgers which bothered me because they were not part of the "me" I thought I was. I've always been so anti-violence ... preferring to endure it rather than to hurt others.
But it turns out one of my ratties was sick ... it was a pituitary tumor (causes paralysis and eventually death) and nothing more could be done ... and one night I came home to find her on her back ... she was drooling unable to eat / drink or even to use her litter anymore.
It was late, vet was closed ... there is a 24h vet hosp but I knew I wouldn't have the guts to bring her there ... I knew I'd change my mind before reaching the place so I decided to kill her myself.
I started by giving her a seroquel pounded with booze and some sugar ... and she eventuall fell in a deep sleep. I put a bag over her head and tied it there and the eventually passed away.
But it was so strange and horrible at the same time. I was the one holding the bag and in the end her little body started to shiver ... I guess it was the brain fighting the lack of oxygen. It was so unreal ... its as though it wasn't me holding the bag .. it wasn't me killing her. I mean I don't think she suffered butI still feel so disgusted at myself. Like I betrayed her ... like I'm a murderer.
Its been over a week and I can still feel her shivering body in my hand. And I can't help but be afraid that I just discovered some really sick side of myself ... and be afraid that if I can kill an animal ... will I ever snap at someone and hurt them ... will that cold part of me take over and hurt people?
I feel so sub-human right now. Has anybody ever had similar experiences? Does the guilt ever go away?
poster:Camille Dumont
thread:328660
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040324/msgs/328660.html