Posted by kid47 on March 19, 2004, at 1:55:16
It's two o'clock in the morning. I'm supposed to be up at five a.m. I don't know if my clock radio will do the trick. I am calling around trying to hire a marching band. Not having much luck. Everybody in my house seems a little put out with me, but I don't blame them. It is a wonder I have any toes left as I keep shooting myself in the foot. I am not as crazy as some people would like to think I am. I have had the same job for the last 14 years. I actually make decisions that could potentially affect the future of others. Although just now when I typed that, it scared me a little bit. There is a point to this rambling, and by golly I hope someone figures it out. But if nothing else, maybe some of the bile that stains my soul will spill out and I will get a moments relief. Whoa! That sounds way more tragic then I had intended. There is a part of me that is basically OK. It functions as a father, husband, worker bee,and good neighbor. Then there is this other me. He is terribly confused, scared, sad, empty ,lonely and more than a bit whacko. I don't have a clue as to how these two creature manage to inhabit the same body. I do know that they are at the heart of what chronically causes me to struggle with practically every f*cking thing I try and do. I am not the poor unfortunate man who lives under the bridge with all his belongings wrapped tightly in a plastic trash bag. His plight is horrific and identifiable. I am one of the luckiest men on the face of the planet. I am physically healthy, some may even say fit. I am educated and I have a support system that proffesses to care about me. I have what a whole lot of people would consider a good life. So why don't I feel the security, peace of mind, and fullfillment, that should be the result of this. Why instead am I a frightened, anxious, pathetic shadow. Well possibly I'm just a whiny, sniveling, spoiled, weakling who is just too self involved and inconsiderate to appreciate just how fortunate he is. And there is probably a whole lot of truth to that. I can even accept that. But I don't want to be. I want to be able to appreciate what is around me. I want to feel my good fortune. God this sounds soooo petty. And I despise myself even more when I think of the horrendous conditions & situations that so many in the world must struggle with. But I guess, your worst problem, is your worst problem. I gotta stop now. Maybe someone can finish this for me. Sorry to be such a putz.
kid
poster:kid47
thread:325928
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040316/msgs/325928.html