Posted by Angielala on January 19, 2004, at 13:26:06
In reply to Bad day : (, posted by All Done on January 19, 2004, at 12:59:36
You can definitely have a good relationship with yur mom again. Back to how things used to be- well, it will be different, but for the better.
Your mom, however, has to realize what the reality of your relationship is before you two can work on it. Unfortunately, that means she has to admit her faults and also her selfishness.
Does your mom know that what she said that one time that absolutely knocked you off your feet? Is she aware of her effect on you at all?
There is *definitely* hope in this. Please try and realize that the reason this relationship isn't working is because of her lack of understanding. Perhaps your mom needs some therapy before she can realize this- but how can you tell your mom that wihtout her going bonkers? That's the hard question. I went through therapy to deal with her effects on me, and once I felt strong enough and secure enough, I was able to have that hard conversation and tell my mom how she effects me, even though she may have not wanted to hurt me, she did and she had to deal with it, not me. After a while, I got a long apology and the best efforts to be a friend to me. It took a while, but while that mother/daughter love is the toughest relationship, it's also the strongest, no matter how bad it can be at times. It's perfectly normal to despise and miss her at the same time, I know what you mean. Sometimes you need your mom to be your mom, sometimes she needs to be your friend. Mom's seem to learn this after the daughters have figured it out.
I hope that helped some- we are here for you and you can rant ANYTIME! that's what this is for!
> I hope you don’t mind if I rant for a bit, but yesterday I got a phone call from my mom. A few months ago she said some things that hurt me beyond my wildest dreams. It devastated me and could have destroyed my family (me, my husband, and our son). I have been having a very difficult time dealing with it all. I’ve had to distance myself from her like I’ve never done before and it has me so torn I don’t know what to do. Some days, I just despise her and think I never want to see her again. Other days, I miss her terribly.
>
> Yesterday she called and reverted back to her old ways of crying on my shoulder and complaining about every little thing under the sun. (Unfortunately, we lost my dad just over a year ago, too.) Everything has always been only about her, but I can’t stand to have it that way, anymore. I’ve never had boundaries with her before, but I think I need them now more than ever. How do I go about putting them in place after 31 years of having none? And why does she think we can just forget about what happened and go back to the way things were?
>
> Sorry to be so down, but it’s just been a rough day for me. Thanks for listening.
>
> All Done
>
poster:Angielala
thread:302766
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040109/msgs/302780.html