Posted by Jai Narayan on December 11, 2003, at 15:04:25
In reply to Re: I read all the signs wrong » Jai Narayan, posted by Larry Hoover on December 11, 2003, at 11:18:21
> Your apology is accepted. And I believe you.
>
thank you.
> I'm sorry it came to hurt feelings on both sides.
>
me2
> The many people who have posted have been very helpful to me....helped me see more clearly what the issues are. I couldn't have done that on my own, which was, in some respects, part of the reason it was so hard on me. I knew something was making me quite uncomfortable, and I was having a lot of trouble figuring it out.
>
It's funny when you asked me if you could wave to me when you were driving through an area....where would that be? I timidly said my state...I was scared...it seemed like too much information to give you (someone I really didn't know). I acted brave and told you but I was freaked out about it. I really didn't want you to see me or really know me in person. I liked the sense of safety that this board gave me. I got scared and lost my center. It's a funny thing about disfunctional families, I had to be the brave one always...because of all the stuff that happened to me during these brave times I think I got frozen behind a brave exterior. Like when I shared that I had been molested....I was dying that I had said that. I felt so vulnerable. It's hard to share so much and have it just hanging out there in cyber space.> I can key in on one thing now, and I'm hoping you see this as a constructive description. There was a disconnect, an incongruity, between your words and your actions, as I saw them.
there was a definate place where I got lost and scared.>In metaphorical terms, I felt you stepping on my toes, but even as I backed off, and you acknowledged my perception, my toes were stepped on again.
>
ouch!
> And that leads to another thing I need to say. I'm here for reasons of my own. I don't know how I'm perceived, really. All I have are clues. I'm just another guy. I have my own demons. My own historical dramas. I strongly suspect there is something in my past which has been reactivated during this time. In a reaction of self-protection, I overtly described my boundaries....and for some reason it wasn't enough. I own my reaction, and in all that I've said, I've tried to stay in me. Not blaming. Not pointing outwards. I've tried to inform you about me, and my feelings.
>
I guess I was kind of dense. I kept telling myself it was all sweet and light but we talked about such heavy topics. I felt like some closeness had happened and I so enjoyed sharing about my life and family. I especially loved sharing the stories of the canoeing and birds. I just got more open and more scared of being so open at the same time.
> If I have failed in that, to own my part, and not to assign blame, then I am sorry for that, specifically. But I am also generally sorry, genuinely sorry, that this whole thing happened this way.
>
me2
Jai Narayan
poster:Jai Narayan
thread:287090
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/288818.html