Posted by Larry Hoover on November 9, 2003, at 9:29:27
In reply to My safety feels threatened, need advice., posted by kara lynne on November 4, 2003, at 2:06:03
I know I'm coming in late on this, but I hope "better late than never" applies.....
To focus on little bits, I've deleted much of the message.
> I asked him nicely if he would please smoke a little further away. He said since I approached him directly he would consider respecting my request, but that I had committed a grave error by calling the 'old man' landlord regarding them making noise at 3am. He said the woman who rents the apt. was pissed off and defending her right to make as much noise as she wanted.
I hope you remain on task....you did the right thing by calling the landlord, and their only problem is they got caught. There is no "right to make noise", but there is a right to have quiet enjoyment.
> There were problems with the prior tenant and at one point a sign was posted not to smoke or sit or talk there. It's in such close proximity it's as good as being in bed with me if people are sitting there.Can you get the sign put up again, or have the bench moved altogether?
> I said hello, the girl glared at me and left without a word, and the guy just sat there and said hello. He left a few minutes later.
They understand unspoken words.
> It seems like all these people do is swear and smoke, loudly and incessantly. The kid is full of this 'hood bravado, which he apparently inherited from his father.
The father seems to be egging his son on. He's afraid of you. Loudmouths are cowards. Always. If he ever had to face the landlord, he'd have his tail between his legs so fast.....
> And they are all four smokers which is bound to affect me no matter what--it might ultimately mean I have to move.
That's one option. I'll come back to it, momentarily.
> Yesterday I called the landlord to inquire about the bench, and got his wife on the phone. I asked who the bench belonged to and explained that people were using it again, and I also said to please not say that I had called because they were so upset with me.
I think it would be pretty obvious who called the landlord, considering the topic.
> At one point she said, 'What do you think they're going to do, kill you?'. I didn't quite know how to respond to that.
She coincidentally played into your fear, but it was meant as a joke. More in a sec.
> She said (the tenant, right) they didn't want me to call because they know if there are more complaints they could be evicted--even though I think it would be hard to do that.
Take it at its face value. You have no idea what other problems these folks have had with the landlord.....other noise complaints, late rent, damage to the unit.
> I learned today that yesterday the landlord came directly over and read the primary renter the riot act. Those were the landlord's wife's words.A last warning, perhaps?
> She said the woman denied that the girl was living there, and naturally NO-ONE was there when he came--including me! Not the boyfriend, not the son, not the girlfriend. Suuuuure you're right, kara.
The landlord's no fool.
> It's unfortunate that I have no rapport with the woman, but now it's a war zone.Here's where interpretation really matters. Given the circumstances, it would be reasonable to understand how they may not behave pleasantly towards you. Not everyone likes everyone else. They want to blame you for their mistakes. Whatever.
> It would have been much better if we were able to communicate about things from the beginning,
You tried. They blew it.
> but after that first call to the landlord I can feel the hate coming through my walls at night.
I think your imagination is getting the better of you.
> I am not an 'uncool' person. On the other hand I felt that I had some right to say something, and I think the kid was testing me to see how far he could go. I didn't feel like bringing it up with him again because he obviously knows he's not supposed to smoke on that bench.See about getting the bench removed. That's doable.
> But he made sure to tell me there would be many more problems if I called the landlord.
They'd be evicted for sure.
I moved thing around a little bit....
> I feel like I ratted on the mafia.
> Now it's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to see any of them.
> I hate that I have established myself as the enemy here.
> Meanwhile I fear I've set up a horrible situation and I'm fantasizing all sorts of terrible things; tire slashing, window smashing, I don't even want to say the things that have crossed my mind.
> It's stressful to even walk to my car. I look out the window and dart out as quickly as I can.Here's where fear gets the better of you. The problem is that you feel the fear of each of these imagined outcomes, added together with the feel of each of the others, and it becomes generalized to them all. One of the ways to bring it under control is to write them all out, and express your imagined real-life outcome.
For example, with respect to your fear of seeing any of them.....merely seeing the girlfriend was enough to have her run away, and saying hi to the kid got him to leave the bench. These people fear confrontation with you, and they yell and carry on to try and scare you off. You have the power. So, you consider seeing one of them, and you make eye contact, and go about your business. The fear of tire-slashing has no bearing on this, ya know?
I really think criminal activity is pretty unlikely.
You can also write out other options, such as moving. I see in another reply you aren't prepared to do this again, so writing it out, with the implications, you can sort of emotionally "cross if off the list".
The end result is, if you've done a thorough job, you get to bring focus to a particular situation if and when it really occurs.
> I guess I want to know if anyone has any suggestions as to how I should deal with them if I see them: Do I act like I never called?
How do you act like you never called? There's no point in lying about it, and everyone knows anyway. Having called twice, they know you may call again. They know you have power, and aren't afraid to use it.
> Do I just ignore them completely?
Make eye contact, and carry on.
> Do I try to look at them fearlessly and not say anything?
Don't try, do it. As Yoda (of Starwars) once said, "Do, or don't do. There is no try."
> Do I duck and cover?
They're not carrying guns, ya know? They are people in fear themselves. Don't show them yours.
> I started parking on the street to avoid having to see them when I walk to my door (from my parking space in back) but then someone figured he could just start using my parking space. Still for now I'm on the street again.
That's a symbolic gesture that keeps reinforcing your fear. Please go back to living your life, and stop worrying about living theirs.
> What would you guys do? How would you act? I don't think I can talk to them right now, it's too much hate coming from too many people. But I hate living with this kind of fear.
You needn't say more than say "Hi", and walk on. They are not your friends, and you owe them nothing more than the merest trace of civility.
> Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you for laboring through another long winded post.> I think the landlords are smokers too, but it doesn't sound like they're very happy with these tenants anyway, and they encouraged me to call anytime.
I moved this to the end, because the landlords appear to have taken your side. Don't under-estimate how powerful that is.
Lar
poster:Larry Hoover
thread:276370
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/277881.html