Posted by Dr. Bob on November 7, 2003, at 19:02:16
In reply to Redirected: Avro?, posted by Dr. Bob on September 30, 2003, at 18:55:54
Re: Hello gals...
Posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 13:44:18
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by katia on November 6, 2003, at 21:04:15
Hi again--
Maybe I'm a bit hypo today...oh well. I was just sitting here thinking, "you know--all of the poets and artists I liked when I was young ended up being bipolar!"
There was one poem in particular that really stuck out to me. It was called "Second April" by Edna St. Vincent Millay. I even did an illuminated letter of it in my calligraphy class. Here's another good one. It's always good to know that the poets knew exactly what true depression and pain feels like.
Here's a link to a good one:
http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Edna_St_Vincent_Millay/edna_st_vincent_millay_second_april_the_death_of_autumn.htm----
Re: Hello gals...
Posted by katia on November 7, 2003, at 15:29:21
In reply to http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20031105/msgs/277481.html
Hi Barbara,
Yum, just downed my 100mgs. Cheers to you Lamotrigine!> Hi Katy,
> Those are wonderful words to Katia, so kind and full of understanding. We really have to be extra special kind to ourselves (and each other as best we can) during these times. The knee-jerk reaction is to beat ourselves into doing it 'right', but if we could, we would.Yes, wonderful words, I agree. And you are right Barb, that DUH! to the world and to ourselves WE WOULD IF WE COULD ANNNNDDD WE WANT TO BUT WE CAN'T!!!!!!! Quite simple so leave me/us alone!
> I try to remember how I would treat a poor sick frightened animal. Would I whip a starving and ill horse into going faster? Would I beat fear into any one of my beloved kitties so that they 'behave'?
**Great analogy. In fact that's something I think about when I get obsessed and attached to any animal who I think is suffering in the slightest. I give up everything to protect and care for this animal. I think maybe for me there's some projection for my inner suffering/loneliness that I don't nuture so much in myself taken out on those lucky animals. Everyone I know thinks I'm *mad* the way I carry on about animals....I'm always in love with someone, normally a dog.
>>I don't think so. Yet, I beat myself unmercifully if I don't conform to a sick society's standards or if I can't perform the way I imagine a more energetic and less traumatized version of me might.
** I feel this too. and Ithink there are two sides to it. As you say if people ARE happy in this world they are not paying attention; I agree. But in reverse, if people AREN'T happy than there not paying attention - there's so much beauty and magic and yes we have to be without a black clouded head to see those things... I also feel that sensitivity and depression go hand and hand. Have you ever read "The Highly Sensitive Person". I haven't but have been meaning to. I'm discovering two sides to me (very fitting ha ha...)One that is murdered and torn apart from living in this world full of suffering. I hate seeing anyone or anything suffer to the point I become overwhelmed and toxic too. So this other side has been created to protect that vulnerable over exposed feeling side. I've become part raving, fiesty, won't put up with your BS, no one's walking over me, highly opinionated and assertive bitch. I really am finding out that that is a reaction an Armour(!) to the soft interior.**The other side to this, is think of how wonderful it's been to be sensitive in all the good ways...it feels like a living heaven rather than living hell.
>>Yes, I get royally pissed at living half a life. Sometimes I don't know who to get pissed at, I don't have the energy to defuse it, I don't wanna write in my journal or do a damn thing - and yet it has to go somewhere. So back at me it goes, and that's the absolute worst thing I could possibly do. It gets impacted and turns toxic.
**I know this feeling of living a half life, or feeling that way anyway. I think that quote that Katy gave is appropriate here ( "don't compare other peoples' outsides with your insides). i often say "I want to be among the land of the living" and people respond and say flatly, "you are.". I guess we get this idea in our heads that everyone else has a fulfilled life apart from us. And part of that is true (for me). Who else gets up at noon sits around reading and writing 'til late afternoon, goes for a walk or to work, comes home, the sun has set early and here I am again, alone in my room staring at four walls? I'd say a lot of people out there have a more filled up life and life isn't quite as exhausting and difficult. So there's two sides to that and I have to keep that in mind.
I also know all too well about that energy having no where to go but back in on myself - self destruction. It's actually a creative energy that hasn't found an outlet. We can see this energy as good, if we can channel it properly. Mine has always come back on me b/c I've normally so hazy and wacked out that no form of focus was possible.
> I like your suggestion to Katia to just sleep when you need to and not worry about the hours if you don't really have to. Yes, there is sleep disorder syndrome and that has to be addressed, as she is doing in the study. But I think we fear something called 'lazyness' or 'self-indulgence' or 'not measuring up' like it's our dirty little 'if only they knew that about me' secret.
** I know all too well that feeling of shame.Glad to have the two of you (and this board).
katia----
Re: Hello gals...
Posted by katia on November 7, 2003, at 15:42:07
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 13:44:18
Hi Katy,
Great poem. Like you, I've always been drawn to poets, artists, and writers who write about their experience (jamison, plath, sexton, etc.). never knowing why, but it just felt good because I could relate and I wasn't alone.
You know what I was talking about earlier about my friend, rolling her eyes at the figure stigma of the "romantic mad poet" as being all so typical almost an escape. I really resent that. What has gotten me through this life is writing myself and reading what other's have written about a synonymous experience. She's a writer, but has not had many bad experiences - great family, great childhood, no mood disorder and I think she scoffs at the notion of a "mad poet". Which is fine, but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. I'm not subscribing or aspiring to being a "mad poet/artist" etc. it's just what i've been drawn to. and it's saved my life in so many ways to have that connection/outlet. For instance, we went to see "The Hours" together and at the end of it I mentioned the word "depression" and she got really annoyed and said "it wasnt' about depressed women, it was about male suppression of women". anyway, sorry to go on as you can see, I'm having a bit of a problem with her and don't know quite how to bring up the debate of "is depression real?"
it's so frustrating........ugh!thanks for the poem.
k.> Maybe I'm a bit hypo today...oh well. I was just sitting here thinking, "you know--all of the poets and artists I liked when I was young ended up being bipolar!"
>
> There was one poem in particular that really stuck out to me. It was called "Second April" by Edna St. Vincent Millay. I even did an illuminated letter of it in my calligraphy class. Here's another good one. It's always good to know that the poets knew exactly what true depression and pain feels like.
>
> Here's a link to a good one:
> http://www.everypoet.com/archive/poetry/Edna_St_Vincent_Millay/edna_st_vincent_millay_second_april_the_death_of_autumn.htm----
Re: Hello gals...
Posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 17:50:41
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by katia on November 7, 2003, at 15:42:07
Hi Katia--
Sounds like you are identifying that you are just having a hard time now, and at the very least, it's "half the battle".
Gosh--you said some pretty profound stuff. I'll have to go through it again tomorrow. I'm about to leave work for the day, and I have no e-mail at home.
Give Lithium a go if your thyroid isn't messed up. I don't seem to have typical reactions to drugs, so my experience is the minority. If it makes you feel awful, there are still other "gold standards".
Anyway...as for your friend. I've found out that this past year, there are friends who understand, and friends who don't understand depression, mood disorders, etc... If your friend is making comments like "depression isn't real (or implying it), then maybe she should just be a buddy. You know, just someone you hang with. Unfortunately, a couple of my friends who couldn't/wouldn't understand the crap I was going through just had to get the boot. I didn't tell them off or anything, I just stopped calling, or they got tired of being around a depressed person. Now I think..oh well..I can't deal with someone like that long term anyway! But I HAVE found that going through this has made some of my friendships STRONGER! With those friends, they feel more comfortable confiding in me about their insecurities, and there seems to be a tighter bond than before.
So maybe just let her know that you want her to understand the immensity of this in your life, and that you feel like sometimes she is brushing it off. ??? I've tried this with the psychologist friend of mine (do you remember my delemma?) and well, it didn't work. I haven't talked to her in 3 months, and frankly, I'm just glad to have other friends I've gained through this horrible adventure.
I know REALLY WELL about the acting job. It really hurts at first. You want to tell everyone how bad you feel. Over time, I have just decided which ones to tell, and which ones not. If someone sees that I'm looking rather morose, and asks, "what's wrong?", I'll just say..I'm kinda down right now...having a hard time. I don't tell them, "I'm bipolar, and I'm having a horrible depression!" Most people don't even notice anyway.
It helps to get out and talk to people to some extent. But when the acting feels like too much, then take it easy. It's very tiring to keep smiling when your mind doesn't want you to. I'm just figuring out this balance.
I hope I helped.
Take care Katia,Katy
----
Re: Hello gals... » fluffy
Posted by katia on November 7, 2003, at 18:14:33
In reply to Re: Hello gals..., posted by fluffy on November 7, 2003, at 17:50:41
You did help very much.
You also inspired me with that poem. I wrote two rather long ones today!
I'll write more later too as I'm rushing off TO work.
take care,
katia
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:260402
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/277591.html