Posted by kara lynne on November 4, 2003, at 14:32:41
In reply to a crossroads, posted by octopusprime on November 3, 2003, at 21:14:54
Dear octo,
Hi! How have you been? It was good to hear from you, thank you.Yesterday I went into the place I go a lot for lunch near my work. The woman asked me when I was going to start practicing--she asked me once before. Octo, I have tried every which way to dart away from this eventuality. I have tried 'just not doing it' in every conceivable manner. Alas, I fear I have run out of escape routes.
I started squirming when she asked me. I should have been thrilled, right? A client! Prospective income, a possible life.... But instead I can only think, 'I can't possibly do this. She has seen someone before me for this problem and I will definitely not be as good. I have no experience, I'm a fraud. My hands will shake (that's a real problem for me when I get nervous--it usually abates once I start something but it's such an embarassing giveaway). People say 'act as if' but it's hard when your body betrays you. I talked to a surgeon the other day--no, I am nowhere near a surgeon, but in the alternative healing profession--and she takes a beta blocker before she operates. She said they teach the students to do that in med school--so I have some sitting on my table, and I'm hoping they won't cause me any problems. But I'm worried they'll make me dopey (er).
As an intern in school I never really hit a comfortable stride. I saw it in other people but I was dealing with such internal struggle that it was exhausting emotionally to get through the day. I won't say 'Herculean effort' because it's too melodramatic, but it didn't provide me the confidence I'd hoped it would. I'm not saying I didn't have successes because I did. But it felt like it took so much life force that sometimes I wondered if it was worth it.
Of course this will be different; it won't be the oppressive environment of school and I will be paid instead of paying for my efforts. I have to be willing to let it be a process--I think it was Louise Hay who said she used to not like public speaking because she knew how much punishment she would receive from herself when she finished--for everything she might have done wrong. Well I am waiting for my internal flogger at any moment, ready to pounce at every possible opportunity. That's worse almost than any real eventuality (wellll almost, but very near) or possible screw up.
So that is where I stand. I went to get business cards Friday and it was much too difficult to choose. How can anyone expect me to choose which paper to have my business cards on! At least I'm focusing on the important things, right?
Thanks for the encouragement--really.
poster:kara lynne
thread:275840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031031/msgs/276536.html