Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 9:44:53
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:09:17
Hi,
I'm writing because your post really touched me. I just reread what I've written, and it probably isn't much help at all. So please, take whatever good is there and throw away the rest. Whatever happens, I hope things get better for you. And as long as you wake up the next morning, there's hope for a brighter day. :-) (Don't tell me I'm wrong on this, it's what I keep telling myself since things don't look brighter for me, either).
>> I have no motivation to complete school, something I started at a year ago (transferred as a senior), I'm so close to getting my BA, I'm killing my body with cigarettes and unhealthy food. I can't remember the last time I had a nice piece of salmon with the omega 3 fatty acids, I don't take vitamins, I haven't eaten fruit forever, I get NO exercise, and vegetables, come and go, hardly at all.
<<Oh, you sound like my twin. :-) Well, I don't think I'm bipolar, haven't been diagnosed that, but the pain you feel and your inability to try to do anything healthy sounds so much like me. I'm so sorry you are going through so much pain.
> Mentally, I am experiencing extreme fear and sadness over my life, what I should or shouldn't do, I get so confused. It's like I felt tonight that I have no idea what life is really about or how to handle it.
<<I know that feeling, too. After being depressed almost 2 years straight, I wonder if this is the true story of the rest of my life. How's that for a bummer?Something that has helped me is to permit myself to change my priorities. Realize it's OK to do less. Less really can be *more*. More healthy for you, more rewarding.
I was on a professional fast track. I'm fairly smart and that's what I've tried to improve on all my life. So here I am at 36, and not trying to be ambitious anymore. I watch my peers get promoted over and over. And I just sit here. 5 years ago, that would have been unacceptable to me. Now, it's OK. I instead focus on learning about myself, what makes me happy, stable, healthy, etc. Instead, I focus on what would make me happy each day. It might be taking a nap. Before, that would seem like a selfish waste of time. Now, it's a treat. It might be taking my dog for a walk in the woods. Before, I should be getting to the gym every day.
Before, I wanted to be the best lawyer, the most ethical, compassionate, wise judge there was... Now, I feel I give to this world just by being nice and polite to people, doing some volunteer work, and taking care of my dog that I got at a rescue shelter. These are TINY TINY little things. No one is ever going to write a book about me. They are little, but they matter. They bring little bits of comfort to others.
>>I'm a total people person and want so bad to contribute to this world, and I have failed, and it hurts to know I have wasted the last 10 or 11 years not being *well* enough to do so.
<<NO! You haven't failed. This is kind of what I was trying to say earlier, although not saying it well. You have't wasted the last 10 or 11 years. You have been learning. Maybe it's learning to cope. Maybe it's learning more about *you*. But you haven't wasted anything. I know you feel like you haven't done enough. But I really mean it when I say smiling at someone on the street *helps* that person, it really does. What if they feel like the ugliest person on the planet, and some nice stranger smiled at them? What if somebody was having a crappy day at work, and you let them merge in front of you in a traffic jam? Nice little gestures help restore people's faith in other people. Just sharing your pain on these boards is helpful to others like me. Helps me learn, cope, question, look for answers where I've never looked before. That's a gift you've given me *just* by writing. :-)These are little things, but they are, in my opinion, adding more *good* into the world than *bad*, so you are contributing. We can't all be Mother Teresa. We shouldn't even try.
>>Advice seems to go in one ear and out the other yet here I am posting asking for it at now almost 4am, still crying and asking for help. I guess I needed to vent and maybe whoever reads this can shed some sort of light for me?
<<It's OK if advice doesn't ring true for you. Venting helps, and knowing other people care helps, I hope.
<<I have issues of my mother trying hard to control where I go to school, what I do with my life, and I'm 33. Isn't about time I'm able to live my life without my mother trying to live through me? I love her, she has been there for me, so I feel guilty in even talking about her in this post.
>>You could be my twin with this. :-) Maybe your mother, like mine, is not trying really to control where you go or what you do. It might just be her way of trying to stop your pain. I told my mom the other night that it really was OK with me if she didn't like me. We are so different and she has no clue how to relate to me. She keeps trying to push me to be *happy* and I can't do it. My mom told me (guilt trip for me) that nothing hurts as much as seeing your own child hurt. I never thought she felt that way. Maybe your mom is hurting, too, watching you struggle, and she's just trying to do the best she can....You are a good person. And one thing I think depression does to everyone it touches is make them more insightful, wiser. And in being more insightful and wiser about yourself, you can't help but help others when you interact with them....
Susan
poster:Susan J
thread:259309
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030829/msgs/259343.html