Posted by jay on July 22, 2003, at 22:36:41
In reply to Feel selfish, posted by jay on July 22, 2003, at 3:46:58
Really, thank you folks, as I had a particularlly bad night and day today. I had a nap late this afternoon, though, and a bit to eat and feel a bit more 'even'. This summer is the 5th and 6th anniversaries, and a 'flare up' has been slowly building which may also have to do with my problems with my meds. Plus, I start heavily using other drugs (I mentioned on the other board how much I 'loved' getting blasted on T3's and heavy, heavy benzo use..but it used to be really, really bad.I've tried most drugs out there as my 'escape hatch'....but who the hell would blame me?) around birthdays, anniversaries, etc. A couple of things I desperately need to do though, are *mostly* lose my fear of getting into another relationship, and to get myself, umm, "Out" of myself...and back into the world. With the help of my Mom and Dad and my brother and sister, and an absolutely wonderful, kind doctor, I've come a heck of a long ways, but of course the pain will *always* be there....and that's part of the price I pay for knowing, having and loving 'my two girls'. That last part I will always have a major f&^%ing problem with, but I've worked hard in trying to make something bigger and somehow important as part of the 'grand scheme'. Once in awhile, I can laugh a bit and I think of a line from Woody Allan; "If God has a problem with me..why can't He just come and tell me to my face?". Coming from a former atheist (me), this is something..heh.Thank you everyone...sincerely...and a very big group hug to you all. This place is a nice refuge from craziness of such a wacky world. I've never, ever in my life, before all this, realized what both a scary as hell, and at the same time wonderful world this can be. What a naive fool I used to be.
Sincerely,
Jay
poster:jay
thread:244152
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030719/msgs/244388.html