Posted by Penny on July 13, 2003, at 11:00:52
In reply to Re: I feel guilty... - Dinah, fallsfall » Penny, posted by fallsfall on July 12, 2003, at 19:00:47
Alright - the parents only stayed a few minutes, just long enough to gather my brother and head to the mountains of WV camping. More power to them.
Funny, I told my mom last night that I was thinking about going to the hospital but she didn't really seem concerned about me. Not that that's unusual.
Anyway, now I am alone again and I'm still debating the whole hospital thing. Haven't paged my pdoc yet, but I really need to I guess. Though right this minute I don't feel as bad, I also can't say the pills aren't beckoning.
Therapy is not until tomorrow evening after work. I don't know if I can wait to see her. I don't know if I can face my boss without some kind of plan, or if I will be able to survive whatever the meeting with my boss reveals. Even if the meeting goes "well" and I am able to put on a brave face and show how much I want to work there and how much harder I'm willing to work, I know it won't happen. I won't be able to work harder. I WANT to, but I can't seem to make myself. I've tried talking to myself - this is not something I HAVE to do, it's something I am CHOOSING to do, but, as usual, I am unable to convince myself. I guess the only things we have no choice about is, ultimately, death, though we do have a choice, if we are so disposed, to deciding sometimes when that will occur.
At the moment I'm okay. At the moment I don't want to take the pills. But it doesn't seem to last. At the same time, I have a really hard time judging how serious I am. I don't want to die, I just don't want to deal with any of this s**t anymore. My roommate is home today (not right this minute) and I could manage to go take a nap, maybe, or perhaps do something else. But as the day wears on, I usually feel worse. And as tomorrow nears, I am certain I will start to feel worse.
I'll keep you posted.
poster:Penny
thread:241142
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/241435.html