Posted by wendy b. on May 22, 2003, at 10:46:18
In reply to 5/21/03 or how my life slipped over the guardrail , posted by leeran on May 22, 2003, at 1:33:24
Dearest Lee,
I can't imagine how painful this must be. You love your son, you've given him the best start he could get, he feels your love. He will make decisions from now on and in the future that you may know RIGHT NOW will break his heart. But you also know he HAS to go through them himself, that's just how it works.
Your anger and fury that you feel toward your ex-husband should never break the surface. To give him the power over you to hurt you - even if he has - is something you don't want to expose. So like Dinah says, you need to get calm in your own time and space. KEEP WRITING, here, or in your hard-drive journal, but keep doing it. Get into the real feelings of how hurt you were by this man, and really name the behaviors and the feelings.
If you have a therapist (I can't remember?), go right away. If you don't, a visit to a trusted physician or a referral to a therapist for even a brief series of visits may be in order. You cannot allow your ex to see this happen to you. And more importantly, you cannot throw onto your son the horrible feelings you have toward his father... because you are right. If he hears what a scum his dad is, he will feel he is worthless, too, in your eyes. My mother made this mistake with me and my siblings, and believe me, it stays with a child for life.
And, Lee, just one more thing: I have had friends to whom this exact thing happened. And you know what? in some instances, the kid returned to the mother in a matter of weeks. The children KNOW who it is that nurtures, and who loves *unconditionally* and in most cases (sorry guys), it IS the mother. It just is.
OR, another scenario: the kid decided to go to the dad in Hawaii for the summer. The dad showed his true stripes right away, and the visit lasted a couple of weeks, and then the daughter high-tailed it back home. This may happen to you all.So PLEASE please please, don't allow yourself to think for a minute that any of these decisions are permanent or set in stone... Communicate this to your son, so that he knows it's ok to change his mind, and that his father has to respect that, and not pressure your son. As you calm down, and this may help you do that, just keep the knowledge in your heart that nothing is forever, that everything changes, and that the decision a teenager makes today will often turn into its opposite in a week.
You've taught your son "how to call a spade a spade," and he's now just spreading his wings and making some decisions. Your best bet is to take your favorite benzo, smile, and adopt a very ZEN approach. You'll see - it will all turn out for the best. Your son will see the polar opposites that you and your ex present, and guess which one will win out?
Meantime, it sounds like the split with your ex had a lot unresolved issues on your part... Might help to really delve into that, like I say, in your journals, with therapy, or with us... Eveyone here has been very very touched by your presence on the board, and you have a TON of support, believe me. We'll do everything that we can.
With all my best wishes and a hug,
Wendy
ps:
Make sure, if your son does go, that you have a *private* way to communicate. He must not be allowed to be cowed by his father so that he cannot be truthful to you over the phone, for example. If he goes, giving him his own cell phone to take along might be a good idea. My ex does this with my daughter (she's younger than your son, even has kept her from phoning me). Another friend's ex made the mother believe her daughter was in Japan for months and months, when if fact, she had been in Virginia all the time. So the moral is: make sure regular, private contact is maintained. Sometimes, in order to get back at the mother, the ex will lie, cheat and steal, and interfere horribly with the child's relationship with the mother. You cannot let that happen.pps:
This reminds me: you may want to get in touch with a family court lawyer, and discuss options and assurances that your ex is bound to uphold, to make certain agreements about the change in living arrangements. For example, maybe a temporary change in the custody or visitation schedule. Or changes can be made on a trial basis, with regular input from your son, legally speaking (he is asked by the court after the trial period if he really wants the change to happen permanently). Don't just send him there without assurances in writing. You still have rights as a mother, and make sure you don't get railroaded into giving up any of them... (just my 2 cents)
poster:wendy b.
thread:228259
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/228320.html