Posted by WorryGirl on May 12, 2003, at 12:28:51
In reply to Re: Toxic Friendships » WorryGirl, posted by Eddie Sylvano on May 12, 2003, at 10:25:13
> > One of these friends thought I was wonderful for the first month or so, but now she makes comments that undermine me whenever we're around other people, such as other neighbors.
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> The world's a confusing social power struggle to me, and I don't know what the prize is. I'm behind your definition of friendship, though. It should be a simple, positive thing. You shouldn't be made to feel bad.
> My response to everything is to try and be a genuninely good person to everyone, regardless of how they treat me. It an unassailable position to adapt, makes me feel good, and hopefully helps out everyone else too. Other people will say that you're being used, or taken advantage of, because they're afraid of losing points in the social power struggle by appearing weak. Don't listen to them.
> I'd say that you should let your friend know (in a sincere and non-accusatory way (a real art)), that some of the things she does hurt your feelings. If she's a friend of any value, she'll at least be more discreet about it. Be gracious and nice with her, at any rate. It doesn't cost you anything, and may serve as an example for her later in life. People may think you're a doormat now, but time will prove you right (everyone's too focused on looking good in a given moment, and it's short-sighted, imho). Being a good person gives you strong and easy conviction in action.
Thanks for the advice Eddie. I do usually manage to always be kind to everyone I come in contact with. Occasionally someone will bring me to the point of anger. But ultimately you are right. If I am genuinely a good person maybe eventually some people will realize that any bad info they heard may not be accurate. Or my sort of fair weather friend may realize that she may have had wrong perceptions of me and change her tune. The interesting thing is that I have never intentionally done anything to her that was remotely unkind. I have never tried to upstage her, put her down, or betray her confidences. While it is true that I have given her an earful of my worries (she's not a martyr and always finds a way to hang up after 10-15 minutes of this), I have always been available as a listening ear to her. But it's like she doesn't want to share her problems with me. And I know she has several, which matters not in the least to me. Doesn't everybody have some kind of problem? But most people probably don't like sharing them with others, not even friends.This particular friend has been driving me crazy because she is starting to become more influential in the neighborhood. Speaking of the social power that seems to drive some people, she is definitely driven by it. Because she comes across as much more secure, outgoing and witty than me, she has much more credibility. The worst case scenario for me is that I may end up with no friends in the neighborhood. Hopefully, it won't come to that.
What has been bugging me is WHY has she changed her tune towards me? I briefly thought of jealousy (that all too common problem among people of all ages and income levels, which almost goes hand in hand with power).
But for everything that I have going for me that she doesn't, she has at least twice as much going for her. The only real thing that she is struggling with that we aren't is financial issues. They live frugally, but comfortably because she is so skilled at running an efficient household. She is a better housekeeper/cook than me. She is more socially gifted and is very smart (she earned a master's degree while I continue to slowly work on my BS degree when I can). She is equally physically attractive, and most importantly, she has a large support group of family and friends who are available within short notice to watch her child. She has excellent taste and is talented artistically. To my knowledge, she takes no medication of any kind and doesn't see a therapist.
So surely, if it is any kind of jealousy, it would have to be finance related. If I had everything she had, though, I wouldn't be jealous of anyone.
Unfortunately I don't think it's that simple. What I'm terribly afraid of is that she just plain considers herself superior to me in just about every way and enjoys feeling that way and letting me subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) know that she finds me to be inferior.
I'm one of those people who sometimes makes an excellent first impression, but then it all goes downhill.I'm really sorry for rambling like this. It's just that every time I think I'm making a bit of progress, I fall two steps back.
Take care, and thanks for being there. I do consider you as one of my PB friends!
poster:WorryGirl
thread:226073
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030506/msgs/226099.html