Posted by Dinah on April 2, 2003, at 8:05:30
In reply to Anyone want to talk about one year post suicide?, posted by ~Alii~ on April 2, 2003, at 0:43:33
I think that even a year after her death, I still don't have my feelings sorted out enough to talk about it.
I had such great admiration for sar. She was funny and smart. She was kind and had a real gift with people. She gave so much of herself. Perhaps that was my overriding memory of her, how freely and easily she gave of herself. It was almost a revelation to introverted me.
I also remember the frustration of her friends as she kept choosing self destructive acts. And I remember being confused myself, becaue the stark truth of her self destructiveness was always softened by her way of making light of it and hiding the seriousness with her charm and wit.
And I remember the shock and horror when we realized she was gone. She who had given so much and had so much to give. I remember feeling angry that so bright a light had been put out before its time. And angry at the same sar who had put it out and who had caused such pain to her friends. And at the same time realizing the pain and desparation that led her to it.
I wish, at a year after her death, that I could just remember the good. That the ambivilance I felt was gone. But it still isn't. Not after a year, perhaps not ever. Death can be ugly when it comes before its time. Death of a beautiful young person is especially ugly.
I have had my share of suicidal thoughts. And since her death, sar and my feelings about her death have been part of them. I can try to justify it to myself still. Oh, I haven't the potential that sar did. I'm not brilliant or effortlessly giving. It wouldn't matter as much if I killed myself. Yet I remember the pain of those left behind, and it gives me pause.
poster:Dinah
thread:215328
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030401/msgs/215361.html