Posted by Paige on February 7, 2003, at 6:13:08
In reply to Re: Very Blue...any thoughts would helpPaige, posted by shar on February 6, 2003, at 23:13:58
Dear Phil, Mik and Shar,
Thank you all for your beautiful words and support. You are all very perceptive. I have no support system. I have a therapist who is wonderful but lives far away. We keep connected by email when she can (she does no charge for this and I can't expect her to be on top of my stuff all the time) and she is like a sister to me. People don't want to talk about death. I had very bad luck with Hospice, it was pitiful. When I called the American Cancer Society I just got a machine with tons of push button options and finally I hung up before it said "Thank you for calling your American Cancer Society" I felt I like I just book a flight on an airline. This is very sad for our society as a whole. My mother will not talk, I lost my dad and I actually has a friend tell me she could not be there for me because it reminded her of her mother's death eons ago (mind you she was there for me when my sister was sick....but) my other "friend" who is no longer never talked about it either. I am useful to these people and at their door when they need me, but it is never theother way around. Yes, I need new friends...I need friends. I have one here close by who I met at school and she is great, but you only feel so good about constant talk about your self. I tale meds. Wellbutrin, CLonopin and sometimes Xanax when it is real bad. It keeps some things at bay, but I find myself crying frequently. There isn't much that can keep this at bay. Yes, I have a lot of anger, but not at my sister. I feel abandoned and I amangry because of the care my sister got after I left Seattle (I live on the East coast). Her mother inlaw took her to the mall for exercise....my sister has no immune system....she gets the flu....this is the beginning. I cannot tell you about that anger and how someone could be so stupid to take her there. She would never complain and never say no....like me. It's a bad gene. And she paid a horrible price. I have flashes of her being so sick and they are painful. Even lastnight I was imagining her in the ambulance (she got so sick after the flu she had to go by ambulance to UW Med...she could not walk or eat for days and they let stay like that and finally called the Fred Hutch center and they finally said get her to the hospital) I imagined her being so scared and it makes me cry because I wish I had been there, I would have demanded she get in the hospital long before the GHVD had a perfect opportunity to do its thing and it spread all over and detroyed her body organs, everything and flu did not help. She had nothing to fight it off. I have so much on my head that it is hard to know where to begin. I am afraid at school that it will go onmy record and hurt my chances at other schools. Bear in myind I am 42 yrs old and I know it sounds like I am a kid. I guess when you are this vulnerable that is how it appears. I am in a lot of pain. I know there are wonderful people on this board like yourselves and I will take your advice. It was very hard to reach out about this, but I am getting to a point where I can't concentrate and I am angry at these people who claimed they were my friends at I obsess about that. This is very hard to process. There is just loss everywhere I turn. Thank you for listening to me.
Paige
poster:Paige
thread:36505
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030201/msgs/36538.html