Posted by Roo on May 13, 2002, at 15:44:52
In reply to Re: Hope this isn't inappropriate--(wince)more on sex!, posted by Manda on May 13, 2002, at 13:29:57
However, I think my
lack of experience certainly makes it harder.)
Do you think that you might be in a similar
position?Well, not exactly. I'm 33 and have been in 4 different
long term relationships, and have the experience. I think
my problem is bringing more of my "real" self to
sex, and not just some femme fatale Hollywood type
idea of how I think I SHOULD be. I'm also unsure of how
to feel or be emotionally connected and intimate during
sex because I'm so busy trying to be the perfect lover.
I'm kind of thinking "Who am I?" and Who am I sexually,
how can I make sex feel intimate and personal and emotional?>
> Ok, well, this is kind of embarrassing...Not at all...I am glad you are sharing your honest experience...
it helps...
My boyfriend and I have been together since
September. I think he has even worse
performance anxiety than I do (probably b/c he's
also been depressed and has zero experience
with physical intimacy).In one ways, BOTH of you being so nervous could bring
more intensity to the anxiety...but in another way, if
you develop trust with each other, it could be a really
valuable way to explore the demons together and help heal...I don't know. I kind of wish I hadn't gotten involved
with sex so early on. I wasn't emotionally ready for it. Maybe
neither one of you is really ready yet, and maybe that's
okay...there's no rush, it takes time to build trust...especially
those of us who struggle with depression.Both of us get so
freaked out with even the suggestion
of anything physical. We're attracted to
each other, but performance anxiety has us
paralyzed.Have y'all talked about this? The fact that you're
both so scared? I wonder if just discussing that might
open some doors...
Also, do you take meds for your depression. In some
ways meds deadened me sexually (sensation wise), but
I had more confidence in myself (and lovability) once
the depression was lifted by the meds. I don't think
I would be capable of a romantic relationship without
my meds. I just get too freaked, and feel too shitty
about myself.Consequently, although we are very
physically affectionate (as in cuddling, etc.),
we still haven't even kissed. It's really sad.It's not really sad...I see a real sweetness in that you
both obviously care about each other a lot and are in it
for a lot more than sex. You seem very considerate of
each other. I'm guilty of jumping into the sack way
too soon....but in a way it's crazy....being physically
intimate with someone you barely know. In some ways, I
think that's what may be happening with my boyfriend and
I....our bodies aren't cooperating b/c our emotions aren't
in synch. We just don't really know each other that well
yet. He's a pretty complex person too, and can't just drill
away at the drop of a hat.I think a lot of it, though, has to do with the
fact that I've been a complete nutcase for the
last six months or so, and he doesn't want to push
me, etc.
You know, like I said, maybe you really aren't in the
right head/heart space for sex right now and THAT's
OKAY...maybe it's just time to take care of yourself..let
yourself heal from your depression, and you and your
boyfriend can just keep being great friends, getting to
know each other, and being really affectionate and caring.
I know it's not the most popular thing to do at your age,
and I hope I'm not sounding like a preachy old lady. I
need to follow my own advice in fact! I just wish when I
was your age, I wasn't in such a hurry to go out and prove
what a sexual dynamo I was.(or knowing that another couple is
even more messed up than you ;) ).You aint messed up, girlfriend....we're all just human...
doing the best we can....I hope things get better for you,
and just focus on what makes you happy, take care of yourself.> P.S. Don't worry about posting about sex!
It's definitely one of the problems that
comes with depression, so it's certainly
something that a lot of us can comment on.
Besides, it's not as embarrassing b/c we
don't actually know each other "in real life." :)Thanks!! I hope more people respond...I think it's
a fascinating thread...sexuality can be so damn
complex! Especially with all those hollywood media
ideals thrown into the equation!
poster:Roo
thread:23644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020509/msgs/23666.html