Posted by Roo on May 13, 2002, at 10:19:10
I'm sorry y'all I just can't help myself...I need to
talk about some of this stuff....(I just accidentally posted it on the psychobabble
med board and I am mortified!!!)
Well me and my boyfriend finally got it totally worked
out...we had a
very close talk friday night, and after that it
felt like the air was finally completely cleared
and we felt really close. One
of the things he told me was that he felt like
I was "performing" sexually--trying too hard to
be the world's greatest lover and that sex
was starting to feel like a production for him,
and not "real"...he said it all in a very kind
way. I told him I think that's true....that I do
tend to sexually perform and try to be a really
smooth great lover. He said I'm very good at
it, but that he felt like I was playing a role
and not just being who I am as a person.
It's so true. I've always known this about
myself, but don't really know what to do about
it. I told him I wanted sex to feel very
intimate and personal and loving, but that I
didn't know how to express myself in bed, I
don't really know how to be myself. I guess
it's symptomatic of the whole relationship and
all my romantic relationships...I've never really
felt like I could be myself...I always felt like I
was playing a role that I wasn't quite
comfortable in but didn't know how to change.
In some ways, I think I don't really KNOW
who I am, and that's part of the problem.
And I feel as a romantic partner there are
certain things I SHOULD be--nice, upbeat,
(exhausting for a depressive!)a great sex
partner. I told him I thought my ego was
really wrapped up in sex...that a lot of times
in a relationship, sex was all I felt I had to
offer since I was depressed so much, kind of
like "Well everything else about me might
suck, but I'm going to make the sex really
good". He's presenting a really good
challenge for me, a real stretch...it feels
vulnerable to think of being myself, because I
feel so unsure of myself, I'm much more
comfortable playing the role of femme fatale
and that's what I've always done....but he's
right...it's not real, it's not honest, and it's not
the real me. He doesn't want us to get
trapped in roles. I really respect that. But
boy, it kind of scares the shit out of me
too...it's intimidating. I'm not really sure what
to do or how to start. It's definitely more of
an emotional issue for me, but it's also
physical ( told him this as well)--the AD's I'm
on give me a sort of performance anxiety b/c
sometimes my body won't respond...I worry
that I won't be able to have an orgasm, or
that i'll feel numb, and that makes me feel
like an inferior lover, so sometimes I
overcompensate...It felt like a real breakthrough to talk about
it...and I like it that a lot of times he
encourages me to stretch my boundaries, to
grow.I know this performance anxiety stuff is supposed to be
a male thing, but I sure have it too. Has anyone ever dealt
with this? Any suggestions on how I can discover ways to just
be myself sexually, or is this just something me and my boyfriend
will have to discover together? I know it sounds crazy, but I'm
actually scared! Can anyone relate to these sorts of struggles?
poster:Roo
thread:23644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020509/msgs/23644.html