Posted by terra miller on May 13, 2002, at 5:50:09
In reply to Part Two, posted by paxvox2000 on May 10, 2002, at 9:47:37
http://www.abuseincest@about.com
start here and start reading. the reading library is very very good. the support is mediocre right now; it was excellent 3 years ago. people come and go and such.
christine courtouis has an excellent book on treatment of incest. (title escapes me right now, but i do own it.) it doesn't have to be incest that is the issue for this book to be helpful as it is mainly a textbook on treatment of people dealing with sexual abuse, PTSD, etc. since it is more textlike, it doesn't come off emotionally like many other books of this nature (which i find offensive or difficult to fully engage with since these leave me feeling like the author is out to change the world more than inform.) personal preference.
there's educating that you should do for yourself on how to help and not hinder the progress your wife makes. many of these books devote at least one chapter to "what the spouse/sig.other can do/needs to know."
i strongly affirm that there is significant hope for your wife. the thing with PTSD and sexual abuse goes something like this: it was too difficult to keep in active memory so a very smart brain shoved it away temporarily (perhaps 30 years or so or more or less... common) until it was time to bring it back up. then one day something in real life starts to remind the person that something happened to them. (might be relating to their own children, or something they see that's similar to their own childhood like a building or uncle-figure, etc.) flashbacks start- visual pictures of small details that leave you panicked but you don't know why. then memory retrieval begins- remembering parts of events. eventually whole memories come back. by which time you are crazy with panic and trying to numb anyway you can- you drink, you take up smoking, you overeat or undereat, or if you are lucky enough you get to someone who can prescribe you a benzo and recommend a good therapist. and those who are living with you begin to wonder who you are and if you are going to stay that way for very long (because you are a little scary and hard to live with) and if the person that they knew will ever return.
some people try to heal without a good therapist, but i wouldn't want to do it. help her find a good therapist that she can trust. it's vital that she find a way to connect with other people in similar situations because most people start from the place of isolation and being convinced that this only happened to them and nobody else in the world. until you connect with other people, you can feel pretty stuck, ugly, hopeless, etc. i could never pull off a face-to-face support group, but i have benefitted significantly from several internet support groups over the years that got me through some really dark and bleak times. ultimately, only someone else who has walked in your shoes can really understand you, as much as your spouse genuinely wants to help. it takes other people who have been there to help you.
you asked if it's possible to heal. it is very possible to heal. people really do do it all the time. but it takes time. and lots of determination. people do it in different ways and some do it without a therapist because they can't find one that they like or because they can't bring themselves to see one or because they can't afford one. but i don't recommend not having one unless you really can't pull it off. financially, many have sliding fees. (you should find one familiar with sexual abuse; you can find a "check list" of appropriate questions to ask when interviewing therapists at the website i gave you.)
to answer pointedly your questions- been in therapy 3 years; saw almost immediate results because i connected with someone who believed me and who continues to reinforce the concept that it was never my fault and i am not unfixable. i started out going once a week for the first month. but things were so difficult and coming at me so fast that i had to bump up to twice a week. i've been going twice a week for 3 years. i can manage to go no more than 2 weeks without appointments before coming completely unglued. i went one year without meds, but i self-medicated with a lot of alcohol. then i got some ativan for a while. then moved on to wellbutrin. for me it was necessary to choose a med that didn't numb what i was feeling. i didn't want to be feeling what i was feeling, but i had to if i was going to heal; it's not going to go away and i have to face it and stare the beast down to size (because the beast is just a little worm.)
it won't be easy, but it can be done. lots and lots of people have beat this. once you find support, you'd be surprised how infused with hope you get.
take care,
~terra
poster:terra miller
thread:23499
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020509/msgs/23638.html