Posted by Chloe on May 11, 2002, at 13:41:30
In reply to Re: Mother's day, lost garden post...IsoM » Chloe, posted by IsoM on May 11, 2002, at 13:19:57
Thanks for answering so fast.
I don't know how I got into the pits so badly. But I do live a very isolated life...I can usually handle it. But now I am quite afraid. I only have "acquaintances" in this very small gossipy town, becuase I am so unreliable in my mood, I am afraid to commit to anything.I have been relying a one old (not local) friend too much, and he needs some distance. And I can't raise my damn shrink. I have been seeing her for 14 years, and I think she has become quite complacent with me. I do most work with her email or phone as she is an hour away.
I also feel abandoned by my family. Even though I am 36! We all used to live in the same state, then my parents divorced in my teens. My father and bother moved south. And about 8 years ago my mother moved south too. Not to mention my sister who left too(huge loss to me). But I like where I live. I just can hardly stand the loneliness. I haven't been hospitalized for over 10 years. And I don't want to change things(and don't have the $ or good insurance). But I feel quite desperate.
I used to have a job at the local pet store on saturdays until two weeks ago. I would meet some local folks and talk. But it exhausted the HELL out of me. And I decided to take the summer off to work in my yard. Sweat equity, type thing.
But I am so depressed and agitated and can't do any thing. The only thing that keeps me from putting an end to this crap is my faithful dog. he is ten pounds of loyalty and love. And I am crying at the thought of leaving him.
Did I mention, that I hate my mother. Probably beausse there are many parts of us that are alike. But she is so selfish. And took so many years of my adolescents, using me as her "mate" as she was so lonely during her divorce....I guess Mother's day is bringing all this up, and the fact that my brother is getting a divorce...
But what a mother's day gift. If I killed my self on that day. And she probablyl wouldn't know for a week. Becuase she is so far away.
I am so sorry for this awful post. I don't know where all this craziness is coming from. I jsut feel so sad and angery and alone.
Your kind message is much aprreceiated.
Chloe
> Here - now in PB social & regular PB.
>
> Not sure what happened to your reply either, but rest assured, I did see it & read it.
>
> Crap, that you're feeling so bad! Screw Mother's Day! People can't believe that I don't care a bit about it. I love my sons & they love me. I don't want anything special being done on just one particular day that big money-making businesses tell us to. Where I work, the cut flowers & rose bouquets go up in price (like most places) & they shove the idea of spending more money (read - "make them richer") down our throats. I refuse to toe the line. It only means hypocrisy to me. I'd rather have assurances of my sons' love throughout the year, verbal & hugs anyway.
>
> OOOH! Do I ever hate crass commercialism & consumerism! I mean, how many pairs of shoes, or earrings, or bracelets, ad nauseum, can we wear at one time? How much is necessary & how much is overkill? I almost froth at the mouth at holiday times (spend, spend, SPEND).
>
> Excuse my rant. Any idea why you've crashed? Anything you can figure out? Yeah, forget the garden - but maybe at least go sit in the sunshine. (I can't garden right now either, but I pulled my rib muscles.) Is there any thing right nbow that you can do? - maybe do call a crisis centre, any one else? Why are you where you are all alone? I'm worried for you. Post back & let me know. Dr. Bob won't redirect this to PB Social till later, so I know you'll see this here now.
>
> My son's home all day on weekends & he tends to take over the computer then. I get it early morning & late evening. E-mail me if you'd like - isomorphix@hotmail.com
poster:Chloe
thread:23570
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020509/msgs/23572.html