Posted by sid on March 11, 2002, at 13:56:19
It's weird... I am feeling better after 3 months of Effexor XR, and after decades of dysthymia and years of major depression and residual symptoms. It feels great. I breathe freely again, each day is a blessing.
At the same time, now that the depression is behind me, I realize the mess that my life has become, and I am not sure what to do with it. Decisions to make, aspirations to aspire to. For a very long time, I didn't expect much of anything from life, so I didn't plan for much of anything either. The present was pretty much unbearable, forget the future! Now I dream of good things again, but geez, I'm so far behind! It makes me feel sad as I grieve over the past decades. And at times I feel overwhelmed at what's to come and how the heck I'm gonna make it happen. Sometimes I want the simplest life possible - minimizing problems, hence no family, a simple job and simple pleasures. Then sometimes I want more: a family (my original family traumatized me about family in general so I associate that to a lot of potential trouble - not simplicity!), a great job, a house - the whole deal. But I'm already 34, I don't have a decent job yet, I have lots of student loans to reimburse, I don't have a boyfriend, my career might send me to another country altogether, etc. A lot of uncertainty still, and nothing solid such as a good mariage either.
So there is a huge gap between where I am vs. where I'd like to be. I take pleasure in everyday I live, but I think of things in the longer run too. That's where I worry a bit and I'm somewhat at a loss. Some days I feel like I can't think of that because it'll ruin my day and that's the last thing I want after decades of days ruined. Some days it seems more realistic that good things will happen to me soon. I think of my age though and I find it hard to think that I'm already 34. I should be 24 due to the years lost to mental illness! A friend of mine recently put words in my mouth: he said I younged lately (rather than aged), and that's how I feel. The reality is otherwise however and I am expected to behave like a 34 years old.
Anyway... anybody else with this sense of needing some years back? Similar experiences?
- sid
poster:sid
thread:19640
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020305/msgs/19640.html