Posted by Anna Laura on February 13, 2002, at 18:34:01
In reply to Mother's milk, posted by trouble on February 12, 2002, at 22:43:29
I 've been there too. Your mother sounds like my mother a lot even though they're different persons coming from different countries and cultures.
I can definetely relate to what you said about "no rules".
I think what hurts even more then pshysical abuse is mental abuse: i'm talking about invalidation here.
Invalidation it's about shattering your reality and your perceptions every single day.
As a little girl i was constantly fighting to keep myself sane.
Invalidation and denial are both subtle attempts to rob you of your own identity.
It's about a fragile sensitive little mind clashing against an adult one.
As a little girl i had to face this situation without any support whatsoever.
It was rough.Some memories from the past:
My mother used be at home for lunch and watch me eat.
Sometimes she would tell me fairy tales with a sweet gentle voice.
"Come on honey, one more bite" she would say.
But sometimes i'd feel noxious and didn't want to finish.
Then her eyes changed, just like that, within a second: the sweet mamie was gone and another person was taking her place.
She'd grab my wrists and force to me eat.
If i resisted, she'd dragged me to the bathroom, put the dish on toilet and lock me in.
"If i hear the flushing noise i'll kill you " - she shouted.
Other times i was so noxious i'd puke right in the dish and she was forcing me to eat my vomit.
The most horrible thing was that there was no purpose, no rational explanation whatsoever. And no rules, of course.
Since she was moody, she'd get rage outbursts for different reasons: the rules changed every time and i was living all day waiting for that to happen, knowing that i couldn't have done anything to prevent that.
I tried to face her sometimes as i wanted to understand why she was doing that, but she was in denial.
I'd go like :"Mamie why did you beat me with the belt last week? You know, i need to know that because i want to be a good girl, and never disappoint you again"
(It was a lie of course: i wanted to know cause her behaviour was driving me mad; i just hoped to find some reasons for her behaviour).
But it wasn't so easy as she'd look at me as i was crazy and tell me that she never did anything like that.
"Why are you saying such bad things to me honey? To catch my attention?".
Sometimes she was so sweet and gentle (may be too much), other times she looked like Bette Devis in "Who killed Baby Jane".
Nobody believed me cause my mother was a respected, successful judge and none would ever suspect what she was doing to me when she was at home.
She was drinking and was in denial about her drinking problem also.
She'd come home completelly drunk, stumble and fall on the kitchen's floor and say:
"Oh my god i'm sooo tired!! I've been working all day and i have low blood pressure. May be i should work less". ("May be you should drink less", i was about to say, but i was too scared to tell).
Well, to cut it short i left home when i was 18 and met other people like her (as a matter of act i got married with an abuser).
Right now i'm living with a guy who's a "recovering" abuser (i don't think he'll ever "recover" though, even if he's improved a lot).
I haven't been seeing my mom for seven years since i had resolved not to see her again 'cause every time i met her she'd be kind the first days and then go back to the old violent habits once again.
I met her again few months ago at my grandma's funeral. I decided to try one more time, and we're going fine so far: she quit drinking and she's far more "normal", even though i know she'll never change.
If our relationship stays superficial everything goes smooth (you know: Hi mom, what have you done today? Hi mom, can i borrow that book? Hi mom, how's the dog? and so forth).
If i try to get more intimate, like making questions about the past, she gets weird and
gets mad at me (Warning: do not open that door).
Sometimes i wonder why i'm doing that.
May be i need to feel "at home", to feel my family support even if i know it's all fake. Sometimes i think i'll walk away again some day, but i'm staying in for now as i feel lonely and i need mother's milk even if it tastes bitter.
poster:Anna Laura
thread:18179
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020202/msgs/18209.html