Posted by sweetmarie on September 15, 2001, at 4:12:39
In reply to Re: psycho babble open... - ShelliR » sweetmarie, posted by shelliR on September 14, 2001, at 20:39:21
> Hi Anna
>
> I am actually still having a really hard time. Instead of going into the hospital, I am trying for this weekend not to make myself work, and not to feel guilty. I have not found going into the hospital much comfort the last two times I went in, so if I can get through this at home, it will be better.
>
> Just came back Sunday from a beautiful vacation, mostly all positive, then Tuesday afternoon I crashed so it must be related to our national crisis, although it is not linked in my mind. I don't know why I have felt so suicidal this week. I can understand being upset, but suicidal seems strange., and absolutely nonconstructive. I'm hoping this feeling will pass. Meanwhile, I have started my old MAOI (nardil) with wellbutrin. I've done wellbutrin for a few weeks now, with no antidepressant effects, but it has energized me. Hopefully restarting nardil after being off it for so long will help. You are on remeron, right? Have you experienced weight gain? I possibly might try that if the nardil doesn't work for me; my pdoc thinks wellbutrin with remeron might be a good combo and that wellbutrin would balance out a weight gain. I think I'd like to change from opiates from oxycontin to buprenorphine because the oxy is losing effect for me. So there are still a lot of things to try; I'm just scared about letting people down workwise and messing up my business.
>
> This weekend I'll try to spend some time in my garden; It is cool enough to move plants around a bit and I'll try to catch some sales at plant shops if I'm not too late. Tonight I went to a candle-lighting vigil in my neighborhood and although I am strangely patriotic for an ex-hippy child of the 70s, it seems very strange/inappropriate to me to be singing nationalistic songs now. Actually, I was more afraid my neighbors would be singing hymns and I am not at all religious, so I would have found that more offensive. Of the three families that sponsored it, I am friendly with two, so I felt some obligation to go (although not an overwhelming one). And they had cake :-) which I don't allow myself in my house.
>
> Take care,
>
> Shelli
Hi againGood to hear from you, but sorry to hear you are having a hard time.
I think that this whole thing (the attacks) raises so many issues, that it`s not hard to see why people will be deeply affected, even if they are not conciously thinking about it.
Obviously (and mainly) there`s the horror of the enormity of the destruction, and the sorrow for those directly involved (those killed/injured, their friends, family etc. Also, those still waiting to hear, those who were in the cities at the time etc.). This alone is really hard to deal with, as it brings up all kinds of feelings - guilt, helplessness, pain at having witnessed death (which we did when we saw the planes hit the Trade buildings, and then when we saw the buildings collapse). I don`t think that any of us has ever witnessed death on such a scale, and even if you were not actually thinking `God, all these people are dying`, you `knew` somewhere in your subconcious. So, that alone is `enough`.
But then there`s the other stuff. We have been confronted by the fact that human beings are actually capable of such terrible things. When bad things happen on a smaller scale (murders, violence, rapes etc. - or if you live over here, the terrorist attacks carried out by the Provisional IRA), we are shaken and shocked, and wonder at the mindsets of those perpetrating the acts. But this ??? It`s just too big to comprehend. What does it say about people? What does it say to us about hatred? It`s very alarming just how far some people (the minority)will go, and what little regard these people have for human life. That in itself is very distressing.
Then there`s the question of `what next?`. What kind of precedent has been set by this? Will there be more attacks? More lives lost? There is a lot of fear and uncertainty going on as a result of this, and fear and uncertainty is a recipe for depression even in the `healthiest` of people.
There will be a response to this in terms of retaliation of some kind. Whilst this is totally necessary, it will mean further violence and more lives lost. `Revenge` is needed, but it is not a prospect that I am looking forward to. And where will it lead? Mr Bush is talking about war (quite rightly), but who wants war? It`s a scary and unpleasant prospect, whether necessary or not. I grew up during the 70s and 80s, when nuclear war was the big `bogie`. People of my age group still talk about their fear during this time (the Cold War, arms stockpiling, cruise missiles, Pershing etc.). I used to have nightmares about it on a regular basis, and we all knew that another `world war` would involve nuclear weapons. Nuclear weapons are serious shit, and I think that most of us thought we`d `laid the spectre`. This is now a real possibility again. Another horrible thought.
Then there`s the other backlash - hatred and hostility towards those of the Islam religion, people from the Middle East etc. These events have brought out really violent hatred of these people. Racism has reared it`s ugly head; I think that SOME people see the people of this religion/people from the Middle East as figures of hate. It`s already happening in this country. The attacks were carried out by a fanatical fundamentalist terrorist organisation - NOT `people from the Middle East/Muslims in general`. But these people - by association - will suffer. I was talking to my sister last night - she`s in West Virginia - and she told me that a couple of Muslims had been shot in the next town to her since the attacks. It`s awful.
And, as you said, there will inevitably be a lot of patriotism and nationalistic feeling going on. I am NOT saying that this is a bad thing, but it is if it`s taken to the extreme. Like you, I feel distinctly uneasy at flag-waving, and anthem singing. Again, I am NOT saying that this is bad - what I am saying is that it does make some of us feel very uneasy. Over here we still have an amount of `Brittania rules the waves`, which surfaces at times when we are threatened (e.g. the Falklands War). I dunno ... maybe I should be more patriotic than I am, but to me it`s always tinged with racial pride, which I can`t deal with very well. I suppose that it brings certain racist factions to the surface, which is not very savoury at all.
I seem to have written an essay ... I just wanted to outline what I thought the implications of this might be. Anyone reading this who thinks that I am dismissing the severity of the situation, or dismissing US patriotism - I am not. At all. I`m just worried about some sections of any community who take this kind of thing too far.
I hope that I haven`t offended anyone - I haven`t meant to. This is a horrible time, and punishment MUST be carried out. All I`m saying is that there is plenty for us to be distressed about, and we need to know that it`s allright to feel awful. A non-depressed person`s depression and shock over these events, is a depressed person`s despair and panic. This isn`t to undermine anyone`s feelings - just being realistic about how it could effect those of us already battling depression. Those of us badly effected could so easily feel that we have `relapsed`, but we haven`t. We are reacting to the situation, as everyone is.
I`m really scared that I have offended loads of people. I`m not a horrible person, and my thoughts are constantly with the people of America. I can`t imagine how it must feel, and can only guess at the kind of despair you all are feeling. It`s hit me very hard (for the reasons I have outlined above), so goodness knows how it feels to be living in a country that has been targeted in such a way.
Once again, my thoughts are with you all. Wish I could do more.
Shelli - don`t be panicked. It`ll take us all awhile to get over this. You aren`t going mad, or spiralling into another hideous episode - just feeling shitty about what`s happened. You may not even be thinking about stuff, but it`s `there` like a big black cloud, filled with pain and fear. I have to keep reminding myself that it`s not a relapse, and mostly I don`t believe it, but is`s not. Time will ease this pain. And even the most effective meds can`t shield you from tragic events. Meds bring us up to the `level`, and therefore knocks of this kind will depress us, scare us (that we are so depressed again), and worsen the depression. Does this make sense? My meds were *beginning* to have some effect, but now ... however, this doesn`t mean that they weren`t working at all, and it doesn`t mean that they will not continue to work. Recovery is a `fluid` thing - it doesn`t happen all at once (sadly), and there will be many pitfalls. Don`t give up though - you are still climbing, and these events will strengthen you in the end (although it sure doesn`t feel like that right now).
Join me in `hanging in`,
Anna.p.s. Remeron can be an appetite stimulant. It hasn`t made me any hungrier, though, and I`ve even managed to lose a stone and a half whilst I`ve been on it - I put on 4 stone when I was on Nardil. So, I`ve still got 2 and a half stone to go. Side-effects don`t happen to everyone, and the good thing about meds that don`t actually put weight on just by taking them, i.e. appetite stimulants, is that you can control weight gain by will-power (easier said than done, but you know what I mean).
poster:sweetmarie
thread:11115
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010915/msgs/11398.html