Posted by Lorraine on July 26, 2001, at 10:18:29
In reply to Re: Does anybody else feel like i do?, posted by Anna Laura on July 26, 2001, at 7:16:12
Anna Laura,
I struggle with these feelings constantly. I try to "tether" myself to the earth during good times to help me through the bad times. I have two children (major tether) so I figure that even if I am strapped to a guerney for life, suicide is not an option. I have a wonderful husband. I take the little energy I have roll it around on my tongue then rub it between my fingers until it glows. This tiny bit of energy is doled out carefully first to my children, then to my husband, then to my mother, then to my other friends and family. When I feel good, I write and call and visit my key relationships. I probably have the best relationships in the world (i kid you not) and I keep working to make them better. I cannot do that when I am feeling like you are now, but I do do it when the dark haze lifts a bit.I am trying to establish another tether--community. I'm not sure how that will go, but I went to an DMDA meeting last week and am sort of previewing the meetings in my area generally to find a spot for me. A place where there is more than one person present. Maybe a place with some purpose--like community outreach. When things are awful, like they are for you right now, a lot of times I'll get a sort of return on investment. Someone will call or write me a note that will touch me deeply.
I'm thinking about trying to also add the tether of spirituality--which is very tricky because I do not believe in a personalized god and pretty much shun established religions. But I do believe that there is a force larger than me and I do believe that when things are tough I really need as many tethers and support systems as possible.
I try to remember that this mood will pass if I can just get under the table and tuck my head beneath my arms--this mood will pass. There is always the next drug to try--although I have not been "stablized" on a med for over a year and it has been pure torture on my soul, honestly. I try to rely on systems when things get tough--you know, work the plan. Like I'm back in talk therapy.
Of course, none of this works well, but it keeps me here for another day. I wish you the gift of a good med and the stamina to wait for it :-)
poster:Lorraine
thread:7981
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010726/msgs/8000.html