Posted by Noa on January 9, 2001, at 17:47:28
In reply to Re: DO IT!!! My advice: » ksvt, posted by medlib on January 9, 2001, at 17:06:11
Medlib--I liked reading your observations about parenting. Sounds like you have a nice relationship with your son.
Last year, my mother said something that really pushed my buttons (one of many times in my life!)--I think it was when I needed to buy a car, and she questioned my judgment, saying something like, "how are you going to make the payments, you'll just end up in debt again, you'll never make anything of yourself," or something like that.
In discussing it with my therapist, he mentioned something about whether I would be able to accept a question about this without getting defensive, if it hadn't been put the way my mother put it.
I swear, I couldn't even imagine what a "good" way to ask the question would be---I didn't have a role model for asking hard questions without belittling! So, I asked him how he might ask his own daughter, were she an adult in similar circumstances. His response was that he might say something like, "Are you confident that you can manage the payments for this car?"
Wow. Once he gave me this example, I suddenly could picture how a parent could deal with the feelings of anxiety my mother had about this financial situation, even be able to communicate with their child about it, without having those feelings lead them to humiliate the child or convey a lack of faith in the child.
I often wonder what my life would be like if I had a parent who could do this, who could be honest without crushing my ego.
poster:Noa
thread:3738
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010105/msgs/3816.html