Posted by Rzip on October 14, 2000, at 8:38:05
In reply to Re: Do I have a problem? » Rzip, posted by shar on October 13, 2000, at 22:07:27
> I think the main problem is that I am very, very lonely. I find the fantasy world in my head to be more stable, secure, and interesting than the real-life world around me. I really find the fantasy world to be more appealing than the real world. So, people who really "know me" which is just my therapist and couple of the people in her community are asking me to first of all:
1) Admit that I have a problem.
2) Make some real friends that will interact with me.The problem with the number 1 is that I do not feel that I have a problem. Except at times, when my fantasy world gets really stirred up, like after my sessions with the p-doc. It is only when someone from the outside stirs up my fantasy world that I get these illusions, headaches, fuzziness, and what not. Surprizingly, if no one "mess with my head", I feel in control and happy. The downside of living in this fantasy world is of course, I was doing really bad things to the people around me. I think my main problem is I just do not understand how to interact with people in a sincere and open way. I do not have any true friends. I am just so lost and it is all my fault. I have no idea how I got to be this way. The other thing is that I am in school and I used to be a very good student (straight A's) and people had such hope for me. Now, my parents are hesitant toward me and it hurts a great deal that that can not help me in any substantial way. Although we tried to work together but they just do not understand the extent of my "problem".
I wish I can open up to someone that is equal to my age. Right now, I am pretty good friends with my boss/mentor at work. But he must be twice my age. Up until yesterday, I had been a very good buddy to him by listening and responding empathetically to his problems. He found me to be a extremely good listener, so he likes to talk to me. Stupid me thought that I must be connecting with people since I obviously have someone to talk to. But I recently found out that I am still internally missing that interpersonal connection. So yesterday when he drove me home, I made an effort to tell him my problems like I sleep for 16 hours straight (no interruptions at all) the previous night. People in the lab thought I was joking and asked me how I did it; did I take any drugs to knock myself out. I had to lie and said yes I did take some drugs. Actually, I think my depression and the lack of sleep the previous days induced me to sleep for such an extend amount of time. I also told him that I was depressed and lonely and that probably made me sleep for 16 hours. At first, he did not believe me, but I think after repeating it couple of time, he started to. I present myself in lab as a very stable, gentle, and someone with a great amount of potential. When honestly, I am on the verge on being bounced out of my University and my future. I just really live in two different worlds. I think the real me must lie somewhere in between. I would like to merge them together. But at the same time, I want to be able to focus on my studies here. And my sessions with my therapist is always very disrupting because she is the only one that I allow to touch that other side of me. The side who do bad things unintentionally to get attention and affection. I just want to feel safe, normal, and happy. Am I ever going to feel this way again? It just is a very desperate situation. In one world, I am in control and going about my school. In the other world, limits and regulations has to be set for me so I do not spin out of control and end up getting kicked out of school. It is just so utterly confusing to accept both worlds. How can I merge these two worlds without a great deal of disruption to me. How could I have gotten this way. I just want to be a normal average student. I used to want to be special and all that. But I think I have been hammered too many times that I am finally giving up some of my inner security in exchange for some normalcy.
If this makes any sense to anyone out there, please help.
Cordially,
RzipRzip--
> I believe there are times when those around us can be better at noticing mood swings, or shifts in personality, or signs of depression, than we ourselves are.
>
> If you are hearing this from people who know you fairly well, and people you believe are acting from reality-based ideas, it wouldn't hurt to hear them out.
>
> If you hear them out, you still have many options. If they can present their ideas and/or evidence and you don't feel you have to defend against it, but just listen, it might be very illuminating. It could be you would benefit from a different treatment approach for now, who knows?
>
> Good luck, and keep posting!
> Shar
poster:Rzip
thread:1036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20001011/msgs/1052.html