Posted by Kath on September 27, 2000, at 9:53:06
In reply to Re: Lessons... and walkin' the walk by faith, posted by dove on September 6, 2000, at 10:17:52
Hi Dove,
Your honesty touches me. You're in my thoughts. I haven't read many posts from the past month; did you get to a meeting? I go to CoDependents Anonymous & it has changed my life big-time - I guess I should say it has helped ME change myself. I hope you've been able to take that one important step.
How are things going for you?
Warm thoughts, Kath
> Well, all I can say is, I'm with ya all the way Phil!
>
> I am so good at speaking or writing compelling words of encouragement, but turn into a bowl of jello when it comes to my own battles. I tend to severely withdraw when I'm depressed, so I don't share the pain, or ask for help, or really face those demons working inside me. I also tend to be flaky, my friends used to call me the flighty butterfly (because I would play the greeting hostess at parties and just as suddenly do a vanishing act).
>
> I quite literally move from smiles and laughter to tears pouring down my face while I sit in a darkened corner of the basement, completely convinced of my own total hopelessness. Sometimes I can just wait it out, and it passes. Other times I'll start cleaning out the whole house, throwing away all the little odds and ends I'm keeping for the future. There are times when my husband will distract me with either doing or discussing something that really matters to me, but he can't always be there, physically or emotionally, to do that and I shouldn't expect him to be.
>
> One very moving and activating aspect of the 12-step meetings are the face-to-face kind of interaction they require. I've done the big meetings, with speakers at the podium, and the chairs all in rows facing forward, but they lack that certain confrontation and accountability that seems to move me from helplessnes to hope. I do my best (and worst) in the smaller "sit around one big table" groups (made by shoving four tables together), while listening and staring at the faces of those who have gone before, and after me.
>
> It's very difficult to fake the "great life" testimony when meeting with the same group for over a year. They start to read you (probably could from the get-go :-) and confront you when you say everything is just fine, thank you very much! I was put in alcohol/drug rehab when I was in my middle teens, so I started the 12-stepping with an attitude. I would look over those wrinkle-lined faces, and shaking hands and wonder how the hell they related to me?! Ten years later and I'm finally seeing the light. The wisdom, acceptance, love, and concern they gave/give me has never been matched.
>
> Me and my ugly expressions, snotty attitude, condescending comments, they let me blow my horn, they allowed me to string syrupy lies through my saccharine laced smile, and then asked: "How are you really doing? I see you shaved your head again, are you struggling?" Since relocating I haven't gone to even one meeting, and maybe that should be a first step in dragging my tired bones out of the gutter.
>
> I'm going to get to a meeting sometime in the next week. I may freak out and leave, but I'm committing myself to at least one, I need the fellowship and the honesty. Thank you Phil for inciting and inspiring me, and thank you for the story above about the closing of the aged woman's life-journey, it truly touched my core!
>
> dove
poster:Kath
thread:390
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/703.html