Posted by Jean-F on September 3, 2000, at 1:49:15
In reply to Re: here is your label, Jean-F, posted by CarolAnn on September 2, 2000, at 12:29:21
> Jean-F, I am exactly like you, and I never considered that I could have Attention Deficit Disorder, until I learned the there is such a thing (and an 'official' psychological diagnosis) as ADD/without hyperactivity! The wonderful thing about this, is that there are also treatments for it. You will have to go to a psychiatrist, and probably be tested, but it will be worth it when you start to feel like a 'real' person. Good luck, CarolAnn
My psychiatrist sucks and my mom and him just don't get it.
Well it's been a while since I've been seeing a psychiatrist. I've tried Zoloft, and how I'm on Wellbutrin, in addition to Zyprexa. Yes I know, Zyprexa is an antipsychotic, I've been using it ever since I mixed 3 uppers with a dissociative anasthetic, about 3 years ago. For good reasons, I find it naive to think I have any sort of schizophrenia. In my right mind, I know very well that mixing lots of Adrafinil, 5 Wakeups (caffeine), and a maximum dose of Zoloft all at once, while ingurgitating massive amounts of DXM (a whole bottle of cough syrup) can really screw you up, nomatter who you are! After my first psychosis, I tried stopping my Zyprexa cold turkey several times. But it's well known, and my psy confirmed it, that stopping that all at once can mess with your mind.
What I want to explain to my psychiatrist, and my parents, is that we're dealing with seperate problems. Somehow my mom has managed to completely confound my psychiatrist into believing that I was depressed, not even making it clear that I was depressed BECAUSE I couldn't concentrate, and I was FED UP! So my psy (no insight at all) thought I could use Zoloft. But that never had any effects on me. He kept asking me: are you feeling better? But I was feeling just the same, not sad at all, just bored. Why didn't he first try to prescribe me a stimulant?
I'm sort of pissed off right now because my mom never made it clear that I just couldn't concentrate PERIOD! Now they're telling me I have an unknown illness and I'm sick and everything. Hey I don't feel any worse than when I was 10! I don't feel catatonic like a schizophrenic! I never ever thought of anything like suicide! Can't I say that to my psy? But everytime I see him, I don't say anything! It's just his presence! He has this way of making the person not talk! He keeps telling me about how I should do charity work and force myself! The expression he uses the most often is: "botte toi le derriere". In a literal sense that would mean: kick yourself in the ass, but over here it's an expression for: force yourself. So it makes me feel guilty and there is zero insight anywhere into what I'm going through. I don't want to work, because I'm just myself. I don't want to be a slave: I don't want people telling me what I want! I don't want a job! I don't want to learn to drive a car like all those teenagers. I'm not motivated because I'm not scared of not accomplishing anything. I laught in the face of people who think I have to do something to have energy.. it's exactly the opposite! I get tired very easily and I quit everything because after a while: I'm not afraid to loose anymore! When I was a kid, I wanted to have something to say. I was a hypocrite, I tried reading big fat novels so I could have something to talk about. But I never completed them! I was into the sort of thinking like: NEVER GIVE UP!, anything is possible, no pain no gain, that's life, tough luck, you can do it son! show them what you're made of! I believe in you son! Go get em (*belch*). So I studied a lot at school because I wanted to have the best grade because if i didn't i felt like a dork, though at the time I did not realise the ridiculousness of the situation. I don't know what I want, I'm not depressed, and I must have mentioned to anyone and everyone a million times that I can't concentrate. My parents are about to throw me out, and i my right mind (yes I feel quite normal), I don't care! But I know I Should care. In fact, I know what they call normality and I know what I Should be doing. It's not as if it's difficult to understand that I should get a job! So of course, the blame is on me. But if you looked at my life, you'd find it pointless too and doing anything cannot remedy the essence of my problem. It's like saying to a one legged man, "If you walk enough, your leg might grow back". So I quit i quit i quit. The psychiatrist does not want to prescribe me stimulants because of my (toxic?) psychosis, however he has diminished my dosage of Zyprexa, and he might further diminish it. But as for the stimulants, I don't think he's going to ever try to prescribe them. Wouldn't it be safe to take one Ritalin pill and see if it works?
poster:Jean-F
thread:397
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20000813/msgs/413.html