Posted by FindingMyDesire on May 23, 2009, at 0:05:21
I'm hoping my subject caught some attention. I've never posted on this board, but frequent the Psychology board off and on depending on where I am in the cycle of my madness.
I would like to talk to anyone about all or any of the above. I hope this is the right board to do so. I don't know the etiquette of this board as compared to the psych one, so here goes a risk. Just let me know if I do something wrong.
An overall summary of my situation:
I am *really* struggling in my relationship. I have been partnered with a women for about 10 years. We are married. We have a fabulous 5 year old daughter. I have been out as a butch lesbian for over 20 years.
Our marriage sucks. I don't want to leave but I can't be *me* in it, so I'm lost. We fight all the time. (And yes, we have an excellent couple's therapist who is trying to help us.) I haven't really been facing how bad things are because I love her very much, but I'm just at the end of my rope for the following reasons:
I want to carry a child more than I can even describe here. (My partner birthed our first.) I'm not sure my partner wants another, but I think she truly has mixed feelings. I *do* know that she doesn't like the idea of my carrying a child because this might mean she has to pay attention *to me*. She might have to take care of me. This is not her preferred role. Me having needs doesn't work so well...
Additionally, I'm really struggling with my gender, my sexuality, my sexual orientation, and my marital sex life (or lack thereof). I don't think of myself as just a butch lesbian anymore. I do not want to transition from a F to M, but I do think that I want to be some genderf*ck in the middle. Basically I feel like a genderqueer, butch woman - with a d*ck. I mean, that's just the truth. I'm packing now and I feel like my whole self (physically) for the first time in a long time. I have a lot of shame about this and not a lot of room to explore this in my relationship. I mean, she likes the packing and that's about as far as it goes (unless it has to do with giving her more attention - making love to her with her at the focus and in just a certain way). But my libido is HUGE. And as I admit to myself just how important sex is to me I feel like I'm waking up and I have just been dead in this relationship. Wow, I NEED something different.
I have never been with a man and kind of want to for the first time in my life. I want to be with a queer man as a butch, somehow. (And please, I'm not talking about being with a gay man in some particular way - this is not about a sex act it's about an identity and being seen.)
I want to be seen and played with, mirrored, understood, reassured. And pleasured, for Pete's sake! Somehow I have this idea that being with a man - a queer man who would let me be my queer self (and even be into me for that!) - would help me explore this other side of me. Somehow I think only a "man" or some kind of person with masculine energy could keep up with my wants right now.
(So I hope it makes sense that when I say I want a "dick", I'm talking about *on me* - as part of my body which I already embody as my "psychic d*ck" - and not the part about exploring sex with a man. A butch woman with a dick would do. A transguy would do. I think I just need some mirroring so I can learn about myself. Does that make sense to anyone here???)
A femme who responded to me and "my dick" would be something too. I have always been into femmes. And I still am. This would be more of the "dancing" with me approach than the mirroring. Anything! It's like I'm a queer bisexual now. It's like I'm pansexual. And none of this fits into my marriage. Nope.
Meanwhile, this is all very, very hard for me and scary and I don't want to be alone with this second "coming out". I want someone (my wife) to be accompanying me through it. That's not happening.
And she isn't accompanying me through trying to have a baby. (By the way, I'm not blind to the fact that these two huge things may not seem to go together, but they can exist at the same time. They are simply things I want - another baby that I carry AND a happy, healthy, complete and fulfilling sexual life. It's like I'm just coming into myself and really getting in touch with all kinds of creativity and desires that I have had or have or are growing! It's probably that damn good therapy I'm getting. But it's a curse cause now I want things.
And let me just say that just trying to scoot along working towards these things by myself is too hard. I have had three miscarriages. I need support. I need someone by my side.
At my age (let's say I'm around 40) there isn't a lot of room in the lesbian community (that I'm familiar with) for what I'm going through. There are so many choices to make. Everyone wants you to choose something, get on one side (as if there are only two) and stay there. I get that. And I support it - if it's right for you. But that's not me. It's not enough for me. It's probably not enough for a lot of people. And I seem to be in this other place...
And I just NEED someone to talk to about all of this.
That's my intro. Any takers?
By the way, I don't mind questions as long as they are open-minded. I am more than happy to explain or share anything more about this to have it make more sense if you are interested.
Thanks,
FindingMyDesire
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:897192
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20071110/msgs/897192.html