Posted by fayeroe on July 3, 2008, at 13:26:52
In reply to Re: Depression, posted by Cherrybomb on July 3, 2008, at 10:05:48
I am not trying to upset you...or argue with you, but I am giving you my perspective on what you are telling us about this man...I'm older than dirt, so I hope that you will understand that I'm coming from a different place in life experience than you.
> I always kind of wondered why he wasn't willing to set any boundaries. I tried a few years ago.
*****Why were you laying the responsibility of boundaries off on him? We have a responsibility for all kinds of boundaries in our lives. Particulary when it comes to a friendship with someone who "oh, if boundaries are involved, our friendship won't be was good as it is now" I realize you might not have realized it, but he was "grooming and manipulating" you to get you where he wanted you to be. Compliant.Dependent.*****
I said that my emails should be short and positive, less personal,or maybe just forwarding jokes as I do with others. His response was that he didn't mind listening to me. He thought that setting boundaries or laying down the rules so to speak would make him intractable. He has even said at one time he doesn't want lines to be drawn.
*****He didn't want "lines" to be drawn. I wonder why that is?*****
Why not? Don't we all need boundaries to be established in order to maintain a happy, healthy friendship? (or any other relationship.)He may realize that now, I don't know. My emotional state was weak. Because there were no boundaries and he unintentionally encouraged me by saying he doesn't mind listening to me, I took advantage of this simply because I liked having someone listen to me.
*****I differ big time on this one...he didn't "untentionally" encourage you....It is called manipulating another person to gain an advantage in the relationship."
Perhaps a bit selfish. I felt like I was the secret email friend that he would hang onto until things got more serious with his girlfriend. This took 6 years.
*****"Secret email friend"....Please don't ever again be someone's secret email friend. Your husband knew, but this dude kept it secret? *****
I gotta give her credit for waiting that long for him to get divorced and buy his own house. Hope it's worth it. The point is, because no boundaries were ever established, even though I tried, and deep down I figured it would be best, things have disintegrated to the point where he basically ignores me. It's hurtful to see him ignore me every week. I understand why. At one time I said that I care (in a non-sexual way) and I was obviously upset, but I'm afraid that this made the situation worse.*****Why is it hurtful for a man who snuck around, cheated and lied to more than just you,to ignore you? I want you to count your blessings on this one.******
*****You are the victim here. Don't worry about him and the situation. Worry and care enough for yourself to change the rules on this game he's played with you for 6 years.*****
I want to talk, I would like things to be better, I want to resolve things, but it seems I'm going to have to force myself to pretend that everything is fine everytime I go to rehearsals or concerts. I'm going to have to pretend to be happy and talk to others as I have been. I guess I have to force myself to say nothing more than hello. I guess the point is, I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to act. Acting desperate or pathetic doesn't help, but I don't want people to think that I don't care either, so It seems I'm kind of stuck as far as what to do. I'm sure that in his case, ignoring me is his defense mechanism. Perhaps it's a mistake to say how I feel, I don't know. I just know that I don't want things to be like this forever. I don't know if it's a bad idea to say that I never intended for things to be this way. I never intended to take advantage of his kindness. I never meant to make his relationship more complicated, I never meant for things to be the way they are. I never meant to be defensive and end up saying things that I shouldn't have said. He won't admit it, but I know that this was very hurtful and was probably the biggest friendship killer.*****Please re-read what you said in the above paragraph. If you have to, print it out and read it several times during the day. What friendship did you kill?*****
I don't really want to be best friends, but it's hurtful to know that he won't even be social if I'm around. It makes me think that I should quit the ensemble, but this seems irresponsible as I'm a valuable member and a member of the board of directors.*****You are giving this man permission to cause you to make changes in your life...for him? If anyone should quit the ensemble, let him.*****
I don't want to feel this way forever, I don't know how to get to the point where we can have a simple, non-threatening conversation. I don't know if it does any good to say that I care and I want to try to do what's best.
****In my experience, the ONLY person we can change, is ourselves.I feel like you're content to beat your head against this brick wall until you end up beaten down.*****
1. Did something happen to you in your childhood that could have caused you to feel de-valued?
2. Did it get get resolved?
3. Therapy, individual for you.
4. You're in charge.Unless you let someone else keep taking your power from you.....
poster:fayeroe
thread:837474
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20071110/msgs/837844.html