Posted by Racer on September 3, 2007, at 15:05:07
It's hard to discuss this, but here goes: we don't have sex. Haven't for years, and it hurts a lot. Even when we were undergoing fertility treatments, he wouldn't touch me. And I mean that fairly literally: I have to kinda cringe my way up against him on the sofa to get any contact at all, and it's not full on cuddling, just sitting up against him.
Gee, I wonder why I feel so isolated so often?
Anyway, the other night I went to dinner with a group of friends, and there was a single man along, too. I know him about as well as I know the other people there, he's very sweet, very nice, and I like him just fine. He was standing behind me in the restaurant, and suddenly put his hands on my shoulders and started to rub. I got teased for my reaction -- but after they peeled me off the ceiling, it felt pretty good to have hands on me. And I realized it was the most physical intimacy I've had in years.
It started me thinking: what the hell do I do? Do I resign myself to being celibate within a marriage? Do I sacrifice my marriage in hopes of forming an attachment which includes sex? Do I break my vows for the limited purpose of having a sexual relationship? What the hell am I supposed to do???
I know the answers, but I can't find an answer which doesn't include some major sacrifice on my part. The lack of sexual intimacy is hurting me a lot. It feeds my depression, my body distortion problems, my isolation and loneliness. I can't find a way to accept it, even though I've been trying for several years now.
I love my husband, and we're well matched in many ways. I know he loves me the best he can, but he's a natural born hermit, and apparently entirely self-contained. I may have unmet needs, but I also have other important needs. What's more, and this is not something I'm proud of, I don't think I could support myself around here anymore. It's too expensive, I've been too damaged now, and know I just couldn't earn enough to support myself right now.
And I can't see any way that having a sexual relationship with someone else could ever work out. Sure, I'm sure I could find a way to work out the mechanics of time, place, etc. But emotionally? Emotionless sex wouldn't be satisfying, but emotional sex outside of marriage just doesn't seem as though it could work without leaving everyone damaged by it.
So, no answers I can find. What the hell do I do?
Has anyone had this problem and resolved it in a way that worked out? Do you have any advice?
Thanks
poster:Racer
thread:780579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/780579.html