Posted by Jo U.K on February 17, 2007, at 4:47:07
In reply to Need support, posted by DannaB on February 15, 2007, at 21:42:05
Hi Danna,
I dont know how old you are but you sound so much like I was in my twenties(I'm 35 now).
I had lots of problems through my late teens which left my a very insecure and quite a needy person. On the outside I was tough as old boots, but as far as my boyfriend(Who I met at 19) was concerned I was a shaky mass of wanting and needing.
He was a very strong person,he too had had his troubles but his way of dealing with it was to bury everything and keep life simple and uncomplicated.
In the beginning of relationships, it's all hearts and flowers, declarations of adoration and loads of attention. But in the following months, this settles down - that's normal.
Us ladies tend to crave that romance and attention, but blokes dont work like that. Once you are theirs, they dont always see that it's necessary for you to hear that lovely stuff. They arent generally as emotional.
Dont take that as a rejection from him! It doesnt mean he loves you any less.
I am still with this man, 16 years later!
How did we get through it? Well, it has been a rocky road and we have been within a whisker of splitting SO many times. There were lessons for both of us to learn:
Me : to work through my anxieties by myself, not relying on him to prop me up.
I grew up a little and felt more confident that I could take care of myself.
Develope my personality through friends and hobbies.
Him : To understand that I AM quite needy and that even if he thinks it's unnecessary,he has to make himself occasionally say some nice stuff t reassure me of how he feels. I dont mind if he isnt feeling the need, just the fact that he's trying for my sake is enough.When you talk to him about this Danna, be very carefull to not phrase things as accusations to him such as ' you never say such and such'.
Try and say ' I know it's daft but it makes me feel so good when you say such and such - it's really important to me'.
We all want to feel treasured and special. I still have to point this out to my man (he's my husband now), cos sometimes he forgets. I say jokingly ' hey, come on, I'm feeling a little neglected here'.I used to think my man was a selfish pig in my younger days, now I realise that they just dont think like us (generally) but it's not personal, they just need a little nudging sometimes.
Understand that a lasting relationship will need for you first to like and respect yourself. Your fella may not respond well to out and out pressure - be more subtle, try and be more independant. You may feel you're getting leftovers, may be he's scared to get closer in case he's expected to maintain that level of attention - that's not reality I'm afraid Danna.
You apologised for over reacting, ask him if that has been bothering him still?It's not wrong to want more especially when you see him as someone special who you think should want to show you more care when you're feeling stressed. I'm sure he DOES care Danna, try and say ' I know you care about me, and I'm so glad to have you in my life'. This may make him feel empowered to show you that little more attention without the fear of you expecting even more. As I said Danna, be subtle and work on building up your own self esteem, then you wont need him so much and he'll adore you for it. Honesly, it works.
Best wishes to you.
JO
poster:Jo U.K
thread:733187
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20070210/msgs/733542.html