Posted by LJRen on October 31, 2006, at 23:47:55
In reply to Can you be friends?, posted by phook2 on October 31, 2006, at 16:44:03
Perhaps the question isn't, can you be friends, but - can you trust her: to be faithful, to be honest w/ you, to take care of your heart?
Trying to be friends for your child's sake is a good thing. But only being friends AND living together will end up confusing him in the long run. Children are SO impressionable and anything short of a loving, functional family environment will probably do some sort of emotional or mental damage to a child, however minor. Suppose you do this, and after a few years you find it works sometimes but a lot of times it doesn't. Whatever your sons witnesses stays with him for the rest of his life. He may end up repeating certain bad behaviors just because he saw them done even though in his mind he knows they're wrong.
I'm sorry, I probably sound like I'm preaching here. I'm a product of two parents who stuck together "for the child" when they had no business being together. They should have split up "for the child" instead. As a result, my miserable mom took all her anger out on me b/c I reminded her so much of my dad. And being an only child, I was one scared little kid. The damage from my childhood I'm still sorting through today at the age of 36 and it's been hell.
Anyway, so when I see people thinking of staying together one way or another for their children when their relationship is not clearly defined or a solid, loving one my radar instantly goes up. It is a far, far better thing for children to see their parents get along from different households than to see them maintain even a partly strenuous civil relationship under the same roof. If you have trust issues now and go into a living situation w/ your wife w/ those issues, more than likely, your son will pick up on them, and perhaps develop the same issues. Or maybe he will pick up on whatever issues your wife brings into your relationship.
I haven't read any of your previous posts so I'm not fully aware of your situation. If both of you are interested in persuing a relationship, then couples counseling is always a good start. Work on building a solid, loving relationship. Once that's there, then move in together. Give your son that stability he needs. I imagine w/ you away in the army and now w/ you back but his parents apart, he doesn't need another curve ball thrown at him by moving in to a new house w/ two "friendly" parents.
Again, I'm sorry if this sounds very opinionated. I just hate seeing kids get stuck in the middle of not so good relationships. I wish you the best of luck and strength through this. I can't imagine what it was like for you to be away fighting for your country while your wife was off fooling around. You've obviously got a very big heart to be able to forgive her and even be friends with her now.
Take care,
Ren
poster:LJRen
thread:699384
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/699483.html