Posted by deirdrehbrt on April 1, 2006, at 0:25:02
Ok... maybe parts of this are somewhere else, I really don't know right now. Parts of my mind are all over the place. The past few days have seen wonder and turmoil. I'm kind of lost.
What happened?It started with my friend's ordination. Ok... a couple of hours before my friend's ordination. One woman who was attending picked me up at my house, and we drove to a house just up the street from my friends house, where the reception after the ritual was to take place. My friend had told this woman that I was alcoholic, and that champagne could not be served. She bought sparkling white grape juice instead. She asked me, and I said that was fine. I really like Martinelli's sparkling cider, and figured this was about the same.
Anyway, the ordination ritual went fine. I was terrified playing, having not played in front of people for a few years now, but it went fine. After the ritual, we all went to this other house for the reception dinner. That's where the fireworks started.
My friend, newly ordained, a powerful woman, comes in goes to the table, tastes the grape juice, looks at me and says "This is too much like alcohol, you can't drink it". She sort of looks at the hostess, walks to the sink and pours it down the drain. The hostess looks at me and asks "Why didn't you say anything". I didn't know what to say except "I didn't know". I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to cry. I still want to cry.
My friend then leaves the house, and living miles away, I couldn't leave. So we sat for an utterly uncomfortable dinner thinking up jokes to try to make each other laugh. So, we're eating, laughing with a permeating feeling of dread.
My friend came by to try to make ammends, and I thought things were getting better. This was Wednesday night.
Today, I received a call from my friend who is almost hysterical with grief. Her other friend, the hostess, came to her house and removed her posessions, saying she wanted nothing to do with her anymore. This woman also told my friend that she had hurt me terribly and needed to talk to me, which was why she called.
My friend is in fragile health. She has an AAA (ascending aortic aneurysm) that for some reason isn't being operated on. She has knees that desperately need surgery but it can't be done because of the AAA. I love this woman, and worry for her.
Anyway, I told her that I did feel uncomfortable at the reception, but I forgave her and I still love her. Part of the reason she acted the way she did is because one of her daughters is alcoholic, and supposedly relapsed after drinking something similar. I can understand her fear. I know she loves me, and doesn't want the same thing to happen to me.
My Borderline mind is going nuts. My sponsor tells me that this had nothing to do with me, but I know that if I wasn't alcoholic, this wouldn't have happened. If I was stronger, I could have spoken up when she first said something and stopped it right there. If I wasn't there in the first place, this wouldn't have been an issue. My sponsor says it had nothing to do with me, that it was the result of my friend being controlling. However you look at it though, I was at least the catalyst.
I really feel like crap. I was going to write a letter to the other woman today, when I get up, but I'm kind of scared to say the wrong thing. I see my T on Monday, so maybe I'll wait until then. This really sucks. I've been sober for almost 7 months, and it looks like my alcoholism is causing problems even when I'm sober. Part of me, fortunately a small part, says why bother. I know where it's gotten me before though, and I really don't want to go back. I just hate being in this position.
I'm resisting the temptation to not see my friend. I know I'll be uncomfortable when I see her again. I feel like it's my responsibility to make her feel better. I feel like it's my fault she's hurting. I'm scared of what feeling this terrible will do to her health. I want to run away.
Anyway, that's Dee's misery for now. Is this really as horrible as it seems? Am I just making mountains out of molehills? I'm confused, scared, hurt, whatever....
To top it off, my roommate's sister came up this weekend for a visit. My roommate takes off to pick up her bf. A few minutes later, her bf calls to ask where she is... we say she's on her way. Half an hour later, he calls again. She's still not there. 15 minutes later, same thing. Her sister and I take off looking for her. We go to the first bar she usuall goes to, not there. We go to the bar that her bf was working at. He's there, along with the other roommate. They're both sloshed. The older one kisses my hand and give me a big alcoholic hug. This 30 something guy that I've never seen before yells out something and grabs me in another alcoholic hug. Anyway, we get the two drunken roommates in the car and get them home.
Then my roommates sister and I get back in the car and look around town a little longer, wondering what happened to her. We're thinking car crash, arrested, whatever. Finally a couple hours later we find out she went bar hopping, and we apparently missed her at the various bars. I was getting ready for another fight between her and her bf.I've just got too much crap on my mind right now. I could write pages. I'm not dealing really well. Saw my P-doc this morning before this all happened. He put me on Trazodone. My BP is sky-high. I weigh way too much.
Shut up Dee.
Thanks for reading this mess.
Dee
poster:deirdrehbrt
thread:627370
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/627370.html