Posted by freckafree on January 28, 2006, at 22:40:10
I started thinking about how screwed up my situation is, then I decided I'd look up my previous post about it and discovered, ironically, that I posted exactly one year ago! Here's the original:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041223/msgs/449377.htmlSo here I am, a year later. At the end of October, I told my husband I wanted a divorce, and things are progressing ve-e-e-ery slowly in that regard.
I'm having a hard time making myself move the process along, not because I'm having second thoughts, but, in part, because I dread what's coming -- negotiating (I hope) the terms of the dissolution, telling our son, dealing with dividing things, etc.
The other part is because I have been (and was when I posted last year) involved in an extramarital relationship. If you read my original post, you'll understand that my extramarital relationship is not why I asked for a divorce. Well, it kind of is, because being so deeply loved opened my eyes to what I had been settling for for years in my marriage.
The weird twist is this: My relationship with my lover changed profoundly because of the emotional blunting of Effexor, which he began taking about a year ago. My lover continues to say he loves me, although he is no longer capable of expressing it the way he did pre-Effexor. I certainly am no longer getting the emotional sustenance I once got from him.
I think I'm experiencing Wellbutrin "poop-out," as I have been feeling increasingly despondent. I am grieving the loss of what I had with my lover and feeling like both of these failed relationships are due to some flaw that makes me unlovable to a "normal" person.
On top of all this is that fact that my wonderful, gifted son is having a terrible time in 5th grade. I think the way my husband and I are working together as parents is convincing him (my husband) that this whole divorce thing isn't going to happen. And I am beating myself up with thoughts that the divorce will only make my son's problems worse.
But I can't stay in this marriage -- unless I find an AD that will numb me into "OK, whatever"-land. I don't want that.
I'm trying to muster the strength to move forward -- to make an appt. with a Pdoc who will work with me on my medication, to retain the lawyer (one of four I consulted) who I felt very comfortable with.
But right now, I just feel so sad and bereft and alone.
poster:freckafree
thread:603940
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/603940.html