Posted by Tamar on August 1, 2005, at 20:00:55
In reply to Hugs, hmmmmm, posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
> Alex said something in one her posts yesterday that has had me up a large part of the night; "She gives great hugs".
I noticed that too!
> Didn't think anything much about it at the time except that it was nice for Alex to have felt and to know this. What hit me like a lightening bolt later (2:23am to be precise) was the fact that I have absolutely no sense of what this feels like. I couldn't translate the words into a sensation of feeling (a body memory), a fond memory, nothing. Funny, I just remembered a girl once saying to me, "I cry when you hold me cause you make me feel like I truly matter", didn't understand what it was she was feeling then and still don't, damn it. What is wrong with me? I've never had that feeling, not ever.
I’m so sorry to hear you’ve never felt that, Damos.
> Been churning a lot of stuff all night and not getting far. Can't get past the fact that it's me that's the problem. Either I'm just not worthy of it (love), or I'm incapable of experiencing the giving and receiving of it, or most likely both. Maybe I'm just plain afraid of it. Sh*t I don't know. Right now I'm just sitting here at my desk aching and longing to know that feeling. ~@#$#$$#$^$%^, another genie that's out of the bottle and won't go back.
It seems so painful that you say, “it’s me that’s the problem,” as if you were a problem instead of a person.
I find it hard to imagine that you’re incapable of the experience of giving love, at least. You seem to give a great deal of love here.
Do you find touch in general a difficult thing? Do you like being touched by other people? Or does it make you anxious? If it makes you anxious I can understand that you can’t remember a time when you felt loved in an embrace.
You’re so supportive and loving towards other people; can you imagine that other people might want to return your love?
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:536525
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050724/msgs/536545.html