Posted by Damos on August 1, 2005, at 18:20:25
Alex said something in one her posts yesterday that has had me up a large part of the night; "She gives great hugs". Didn't think anything much about it at the time except that it was nice for Alex to have felt and to know this. What hit me like a lightening bolt later (2:23am to be precise) was the fact that I have absolutely no sense of what this feels like. I couldn't translate the words into a sensation of feeling (a body memory), a fond memory, nothing. Funny, I just remembered a girl once saying to me, "I cry when you hold me cause you make me feel like I truly matter", didn't understand what it was she was feeling then and still don't, damn it. What is wrong with me? I've never had that feeling, not ever.
Been churning a lot of stuff all night and not getting far. Can't get past the fact that it's me that's the problem. Either I'm just not worthy of it (love), or I'm incapable of experiencing the giving and receiving of it, or most likely both. Maybe I'm just plain afraid of it. Sh*t I don't know. Right now I'm just sitting here at my desk aching and longing to know that feeling. ~@#$#$$#$^$%^, another genie that's out of the bottle and won't go back.
poster:Damos
thread:536525
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050724/msgs/536525.html