Posted by fairywings on July 28, 2005, at 7:04:57
I was wondering how many others suffered emotional abuse at the hands of their parents, or at the hands of a psychiatrist, when you were a child/teen. I never really considered what my parents did/said to me as "abuse" until the past week. I also felt a sense of embarrassment admitting all of it to myself. I just wanted to deny that it was really "all that bad".
I always knew what my parents did was constant and mean, I knew for the most part their "parenting" methods sucked, but I figured "oh well, it was a long time ago, my dad made $ and we had things, and my mom drove our car pools. Why feel bad about it after all these years, why think about it now, why complain?"
Now, after giving it some thought, I realize how MUCH their abuse effects me as an adult, even though I can't seem to get in touch with those feelings I had as a kid. Sometimes when I try to "go back", try to remember specific things, I feel like my thoughts just get all jumbled up. I know I was constantly beaten down, screamed at, teased - both physically and emotionally, threatened, made fun of, picked on, excluded, compared to others, etc. My dad never held me or hugged me, or said kind or affectionate things to me, never told me he loved me, and I was told that he didn't want any more kids - which meant me, but I just don't feel much of anything about it. Looking back, and trying to imagine him doing those things, I don't want to play that game in my head. I've often wished I had a different dad, and I imagine how various people would have been as a dad, but I just hated my dad and was afraid of him and didn't want him for a dad.
I loved my mom, but she withheld love and used it against me. She manipulated and tried to control me. She allowed me to stay with an emotionally abusive psychiatrist when I was a teen. And, when I got better, after leaving him, it became apparent that she wanted me to be "sick" and dependant on her. When she died I missed her and mourned her, but I was also relieved because she always threw my past up in my face; always held it over my head. When she died I knew I'd never have to endure her tiraids again.
Did anyone else go through anything like this? Does anyone else feel that emotional abuse just isn't as bad as physical or sexual abuse? Isn't worthy of needing therapy? I have a hard time justifying that I should allow myself to feel bad about this after all these years, even though underneath it all I know I do feel bad, resent it, am angry because there are times when it peaks through. I was also really surprised that I was embarrassed to admit to myself everything that had actually happened, that my parents were actually pretty awful. I had always felt odd that I didn't mourn their deaths more than I did, maybe this is why?
Right now I'm reading "The Courage to Heal", which is mostly about childhood sexual abuse, and I think to myself "compared to what those people went through, what I went through was nothing". My T suggested I read the book because I was raped at 14, but even that to me seems minimal compared to childhood sexual abuse. My husband and I both questioned whether being raped once at 14 would even really be considered childhood sexual abuse, I guess it would since you had that taken away from you.
If anyone can shed some light on this for me, or share their feelings on it, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks
FW/Jazzy
poster:fairywings
thread:534668
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050724/msgs/534668.html