Posted by Susan47 on April 20, 2005, at 13:28:34
In reply to Re: Suze, you sound like me...., posted by sunny10 on April 20, 2005, at 12:58:48
When the children are with me I'm A-okay.
It's when they're out.. last night I was alone they were at the opera. I had to drop them off and pick them up only. So I was up way past my usual bedtime.
When I'm feeling that way, I can't force myself to go outside. Although when I do I always feel better.. it's the being alone, taking even a tiny step alone, that's the hard part. You know how hard it is to even put your shoes on when you feel like you're going to die because you're all alone?????
Not many people understand that, I don't think. It's why even though my ex-husband was killing me in so many ways, I stayed with him. When the companionship just wasn't worth the struggle anymore, I gave up. He was ugly to me, and I was ugly to him. We were ugly to each other. Cute, huh? I think that's what happens when you're constantly bringing out the worst, you just snipe all the time, snipe snipe snipe until finally there's just no way to talk about anything.
But I stayed for a long, long time because I used to enjoy his company. Scary thing is, I never enjoyed his company all THAT much, you know? He was always mediocre for me .. isn't that terrible? How can I say such things about a guy I was MARRIED to for gosh sakes. It just goes to prove to me how much I cannot tolerate being alone. I can do it for a few hours, sometimes a couple of days, longer even, if I know I'm loved and cared for. You know, as an adult, I shouldn't have to feel that I need caring for, but I do. I feel that very strongly, very deeply. And the need to care for others is just as great. But even children learn not to need care. And the people who do need care, quite often just make me unhappy, because they can't care for themselves. So is that my main issue, caring for myself? Because I think I do. I cared for myself enough to leave a very bad marriage, I cared enough to physically and emotionally withdraw from my abusive father. After forty-seven years, Sunny.
If I had a chance to be 37 again and know this, I would be ecstatic. I think.
poster:Susan47
thread:486697
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050325/msgs/487017.html