Posted by mmcconathy on February 25, 2005, at 18:53:58 [reposted on February 26, 2005, at 0:57:02 | original URL]
My thoughts are deterioating, i dont know whats wrong with me and I don't care anymore.
If i go insane, i go insane, period. There is nothing i can do.
Medications are not going to help, i feel im in hell, i can do nothing, i cant talk to my doctor, my mom will control it, i cannt even get her to have an MRI, all she will do is complain and yell. She puts my medicine away, i cant talk with my doctor about changing because she will not let him do it.
My mom doesnt listen to me at all, she yells she is negative, she tells me i cannot handle things, i wanted to get into honors classes when i was a freshman with a strong ambitition, she never let me have my own drive, i tried to fight her so hard and knew i could do it, here i am a senior.
My stepdad is a complete drone, when I had an emotional breakdown realizing my problems all at once, he threw me around like Linda blair in the exorxist, saying that i was possesed, i cant even vent stress without this idiot getting ready to pound me. He will get violent, restrain me, and not have a f*cking idea what is wrong, and say he is talking the "demon"
Listen, is this normal, im almost 18 years old, my mom locks up my medicine, she treats me the same as when i was 9, the doctor evens asks why dont you take your own medication, in frount of my mom in a session, she butts in as usall, "he is not ready for this on his own, and I will only authorize any treatment"
I crashed my car, to get away from my real dad, after working for his law firm, he treated me awful i did have a job and a car, and he did give me freedom, but he was controlling in his own sense, "listen you m* fuc*er, what are you queer? what the f*uck is wrong with you!" Dissociation began during this time, my mom told me she would get me away from him, but here i am back under her control again, she didnt get me a car, she will put it off and eventually not do it, just like she complains about dr appointments, and usally will say you dont need , when im in the middle of a nervous breakdown, well then she fetches num-nuts stepdad to do another exoricsm on me, i have already memoriezed all the procedures.
I am going to have to go back with my real dad, he is the only one that will do something, he is mean as hell, puts me down, but its the only way out now, has ambition. He said he will put me thought collage, and make me a success, at the same consequence i will have to endure his put downs as before.
There is no way out, my mom a raving angry nuerotic that screams out at every problem. dad cold harsh, insecure of his ego, constantly has prove him self, put downs and critism. THey both are distressing.
I have no confidence, i feel im slipping away down in to a mud pitt in my mind, i grap harder to the wet mud but only it slides down more. I give up.
If i shot myself, i she would do is complain about my splattered brain on her floor, compalin it stained her carpet.
Later
poster:mmcconathy
thread:463580
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050212/msgs/463580.html