Posted by sunny10 on February 14, 2005, at 8:47:00
In reply to Re: actsof love (trigger) » jujube, posted by Toph on February 14, 2005, at 7:01:09
my father was in the hospital last week after a heart attack. Apparently, he wanted to die at home because tests at the hospital revealed that he had already had a couple small heart attacks that he didn't tell anyone about, AND he had had blood in his stool for at least a week.
His test revealed that he not only did he have anemia and those heart attacks, but he was diabetic, his blood pressure was extremely low, and he has two partially blocked arteries and one fully blocked artery in his heart. He is 80. He is not a candidate for any type of surgical intervention because of his various illness, age and current weakness.
He was given medication for the blocked arteries and sent home on Friday. He has said that he wants to die. But he means that he wants to die at home with his family around him, not in a sterile hospital environment. His wife, his step-daughter, and his son (my brother), had him committed yesterday to the Geriatric Psychiatric Ward at Thomas Jefferson Hospital. They refuse to accept that he could be preparing for death, that he is ready and willing to finish the circle of life. They say that he is so depressed that he doesn't know what he is saying. They want to "cure" him.
I know my father as a Russian Bear. So full of dignity that a pre-teen girl (me) was beaten for daring to ever disagree with him. He lived a great, meaningful life. He was a popular figure in our city- brought entertainers from everywhere to perform in our theaters, knew politicians and other great personages; he was respected for the work and dedication he provided to the city and his friends.
And now, he can not make it to the bathroom on his own without falling (he has tried numberous times- his doctor is losing patience with him). He is much too proud of a man to ever want his butt wiped by someone else, to need his meals brought to him, or any of the other ways that provide care for their eldery, bedridden relatives. He simply cannot bear the thought. He stopped eating, drinking, and taking the medications the doctors have prescribed. He wants a meaningful death without drugs to cloud the way.
He is not depressed, he is resigned. He has no interest in merely existing. But now his family has committed him. I am so disgusted with them that I don't even know what to say. My brother called me with the information at about 4 pm yesterday (you'll note that I was not invited to be a part of this). He had phone numbers, room number, et cetera to pass along. He told me they wanted to "cure the depression" so that Dad could go back to his life. I asked him what is was that they expected to occur. He got angry and said that plenty of people go to movies and the theaters in wheelchairs and that Dad was too proud. A huge part of me wanted to scream, "maybe 80 years of movies and theater are enough for him! Proud is all that he has ever been and you want to strip away your own father's dignity?!?!", but I kept my mouth shut and told him that I wasn't sure why he had given me the hospital information. The rest of the family is well aware of my feelings on the subject (I had spoken to my brother and step-sister- I am sure that they have discussed it with my step-mother). As they knew I was not prepared to back them in their "curing", the only thing I could do was respect their decision and stay away and not call because I will NOT pretend to feel the same way that they do.
But another part of me wants to go visit my dad and tell him that someone is on his side. That I understand the concept of desiring quality of life over quantity. This part want sto march over to that hospital, ask him if he wants to come home with me and just take him. But I know my family; they would put me away for murder when he did peacefully pass on, simply because I had "removed him from care". And still another wants to just bury my head in the sand and not let any of this affect me since this is the same man who had never apologized for beating me when I was young and I know that his pride would never allow him to do so, either.
Toph, you certainly know how to bring up a subject.... anybody have any advice for me?
thanks,(and sorry for ranting and venting....)
sunny10
poster:sunny10
thread:457210
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050212/msgs/457520.html