Posted by DonE on January 3, 2005, at 23:55:16
My situation is simple. I will never again love and will never again be loved. This isn't some episodic response to a recently failed relationship. I was warned about this in myths as a child, but I went ahead and opened my eyes. The religious myths said if I ever turned my back on this particular myth of love, I would be better off to never have been born.
What happened to me is I repeatedly peaked, until I could look into the light without flinching. Looking into the "light" of scientific discovery, I eventually understood that love is nothing more than aggressive behavior by an extremely socialized species. The bonding rituals I once saw as love are typical of several species, including ours, and in each case, they are nothing more than an evolution of territorial defense behavior.
I could probably, with practice, let people "love" me, but I'm too honest. When people look in my eyes, they see something like a thousand yard stare, or a lack of dilation that reveals to them I will look through their ritualized behavior to see the core animal behavior beneath. Nobody but nobody can face this. I settle for superficial relationships that don't offend others with the realizations I have faced.
There is little a psychotherapist could do for me but mumble some meaningless "tell me more..." The few I've spoken with can not rebut my assertion that love is a byproduct of animal aggression because their training tells them it is true. Their art is more oriented toward maintaining illusions, not toward helping people to cope once they have awoken from illusion.
So here I am, unloved and loveless. My aging parents still maintain attachments, which I honor. But they know from years of experience my attachments only run so deep.
I guess my "love" is not really all that dead, but the territory I defend with this aggression we call love has expanded to include the whole world and my entire species, with no distinction for my family or friends. I can't imagine why anyone would care about my lack of feeling in this feeling-oriented society, but this seemed like a place to mention such a situation, for what it is worth.
poster:DonE
thread:437492
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041223/msgs/437492.html