Posted by tampagirl70 on November 29, 2004, at 9:22:07
I've been with my husband for almost 12 years and we've been married almost 9 years. A couple months after we got engaged, I had a horrible anxiety/OCD attack and ended the engagement/ relationship. We got back together immediately because I felt like I had made a big mistake. I'd never had a long-term relationship before this; the longest I had ever dated anyone was 6 months. We got married in 1996 and things went well until 1998 when I had another anxiety/OCD meltdown and I was on the verge of ending the marriage for several reasons. We worked through it and things have been relatively good ever since. We've had our share of problems and I've had a few more anxiety/OCD problems, but for the most part, everything has been pretty good.
About a month ago, I had a cold and I stayed home from work 2 days. I watched A Wedding Story on TLC and ever since then, things have gone downhill. I started thinking that since I didn't feel like those people getting married, something is wrong with the relationship. I feel like everyone's marriages are better than ours and I'm not really in love. I'm terrified that I'll find out that I don't love my husband. I feel like I love him and want to tell him I love him. He's a great guy and we have a great life together, but now I'm questioning everything about our relationship. My main thoughts are how do you know if you love someone and what if I don't love him and don't realize it? I'm constantly analyzing how I feel about him at every moment. I'm reading a book called The Truth about Love and it talks about how love has its ups and downs and how the beginning of a relationship is fueled by chemicals in your brain. People have told me to take a trip with him and try to recreate some of the "magic" we had earlier, but I'm afraid that we'll get somewhere and I'll freak out and not want to be with him.
Sometimes I wish that he'd end the relationship because I'm too afraid to do it, but I don't really think I want to end it. I know that doesn't make any sense. I'm afraid that if I were to end it, I'd look back at some point and realize I made a huge mistake and it would be too late to fix it and I'd spend the rest of my life miserable.
My other issue is that I love the holidays, its my favorite time of the year. I don't want to be down and sad during the holidays. I've talked to my husband a little about how I'm feeling and I know he feels the same things I do - bored with me sometimes, thinks I'm unattractive sometimes, etc. - so I know this is normal. I just don't know how to get out of this rut. I want to be happy again and feel comfortable with him. Just a couple months ago we were fine and things were good. Now I feel like I'm falling apart.
Help!
poster:tampagirl70
thread:421795
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041118/msgs/421795.html