Posted by Colleen D. on October 10, 2004, at 10:50:04
I've recently taken to spraying myself with my husband's cologne in attempt to remember those happy days when there was plenty of love and laughter in our relationship. I compare it to the feeling I get when I smell something cooking and it reminds me of my grandma and the wonderful times I spent with her while I was growing up. I also hope this wearing of his cologne staves off my dreams of other men which has become a common occurance when I shut my eyes and find deep sleep at night.
My husband now can go a day or two without speaking to me. He rarely gives me a sincere kiss. He really has not given me any comfort or nuturing during the last few years of our marriage. I have to ask myself if our marriage is dead and if so, what killed it. He refuses to seek counseling with me, so I'm on my own and I'm hoping my therapist and my meds will help me re-create my relationship with him and help me forget all the things I cannot forgive him for...being stone drunk and not able to answer the phone when I was in the hospital when our first baby girl died...for taking off in the car with children not telling me where's he's going and returning home so drunk he can hardly stand up...for showing up at the hospital when our last child was born, drunk again. He's afraid to get drawn back into the "system" as he calls it, meaning dealing with any kind of social service or the law. He gets angry when I invite anyone he doesn't know into our home, even the Early Intervention people who have come to work with our special needs son. I am at my wits end and I know that his behavior makes my anxiety and my depression worse. If our children weren't so young, I'd probably leave him, but I'm afriad of what impact that might have on them.
Say a little prayer for me please that I can get through this and get better and do the best thing I can for myself and for my children.
Thanks for listening...
Colleen
PPD, GAD and OCD
poster:Colleen D.
thread:401155
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/401155.html