Posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 21:51:49
In reply to Sadly, husbands are like mules... » Dinah, posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 20:59:05
Hmmm.. I should be able to do this. I was great at natural consequences with my son. And good at training, but only small submissive spaniels, not stubborn dogs. My large and stubborn hound won. :(
Ok, I can see how that would work on some things. Like if I want him to do something or go somewhere I mention it once and let him determine when he can do it. It may take a while, but I understand if he's busy doing something, and I don't see the benefit in being impatient about it. It just leads to bad feelings and generally doesn't get the work done any faster. It's certainly not because he jumps up and does whatever I ask right away. But if he wants me to do something, he'll stand over my head until I do it, and I'm expected to stop mid whatever to do it. No wind up time. When he says hop I'm supposed to hop *now* because he knows what's important to do.
Soooo.... I could tell him I don't like it when he does that, that I don't do that to him, and I expect similar courtesy. And I could tell him that when he does that, I'll set my clock and move precisely fifteen minutes later than I would have had he not behaved that way. And it might work.
But how can I apply the same natural consequences technique to the problem I am most annoyed with at the moment. His utter disrespect bordering on disdain for me. I saw him do it with his mom and grandmother, but I thought I would be different because I was stronger. But no, I'm not. He feels like he is the only person in the world who is at all competent and that the fate of the world rests on his shoulders alone. He cuts me off if I try to suggest something. If I persist, he may eventually admit I have a point. But he'll cut me off the next time just as easily. He talks to me with an overtone of contempt.
It's my fault in part. I was looking for someone with daddyish qualities and I got it. And he is extraordinarily bright and competent. I benefit all the time from that. So the downside has an upside.
But I want to feel like he values my input, even if it's not the same input he would give. And maybe that's the crux of the problem. The only thing he sees value in are the things he would do. He wants me to be more like him, or to obey him well and promptly. One of the two. :(
Maybe I should have paid more attention to the fact that my small submissive dogs were afraid of him, because believe it or not I'm more of a small submissive spaniel than I appear. But it's too late for that.
poster:Dinah
thread:392418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/392455.html