Posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 20:59:05
In reply to BTW, counseling is not an option, posted by Dinah on September 18, 2004, at 20:01:03
Not thoroughbreds...
Actually, I do have a bit of an answer to that, depeneding on just how your relationship works with him, and how strong you're feeling. It's worked for me a few times, with a few people: just like dog (or horse or child) training, you make sure that their unwanted behavior has no rewards. Easy as that. And, of course, as difficult as that.
I've actually told my aunt that I'm going to apply dog training techniques to her a few times. I've told her what the rules are, and that she'll be asked to leave -- immediately -- for breaking them. Now, if we'd actually had to kick her out, it would have created a major firestorm -- she's not all that good at self-control -- but firm-and-gentle reminders have been enough so far to stop most of the unwanted behavior. Every now and then, she'll test the limits again, but most of the behaviors that I've used this for have not really returned.
The problem, of course, is that the pattern of the relationship is set, so once one behavior changes, it's usually replaced by another equally bad. I've looked for other options, myself -- like your coworker screaming -- but it's still trial and error.
I guess the bottom line, though, is that you can't change someone else's behavior, but if you're dealing with a set pattern of behavior, changing your own behavior will break the routine. If they're not getting the expected response, they can't continue in the same direction.
Best luck, my dear. And don't give up on counselling -- even if he's a total ozone cookie, he can still *learn* to make noises in the sessions. But, if you do, make sure that you're getting a neutral therapist. Your therapist is your turf, and that's gonna be a problem for him...
(And I read what you said about your mother. I'm turning into my mother in some ways, too -- but you know what? I see the things she does -- like having to be perfect first time, or never trying again; starting projects and then giving up because they're not exactly what she wanted -- and so I work very hard at not following the same patterns. I try very hard to finish projects before starting the next -- although I usually have a long term project as well -- and reminding myself that I can do something twice and call it "practice"!)
poster:Racer
thread:392418
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/392439.html